Finally, finally, FINALLY. They have decent Happy Meal toys at McDonald’s again. Wizard of Oz dolls that do nothing more than just be dolls. For the love of God, give me no more cutesy bows/purses/hair clips that double as human or canine esophageal plugs. I want no more tiny plastic puzzle pieces that require me to buy sixteen more cheeseburgers before I can put them all together to make Tarzan’s jungle that will turn to powder as soon as my child breathes on it. I want no more flimsy, jersey-wearing basketball guys that break apart every twenty seconds and send my kid screaming for me to fix it. And please, please, please, for the love of all that is holy, give me no more tiny Sega games that will, without fail, fall deep between the couch cushions and beep incessantly at me until my ears bleed, I tear apart the furniture to find them or their batteries mercifully die.

Just give me the Neopet/Kung Fu Panda/Star Wars’ guys. Just the guys. Otherwise, beanie babies are fine. Or matchbox cars. That is all.