Birth and Babies

In recent discussions on a few message boards I frequent, I notice a disturbing trend: at-home moms (or dads) are looked down upon by some of society.  Perhaps I am totally missing something, but I tend to get the feeling that Monroe is pretty darn supportive of at-home moms (and dads).  Having been an at-home mom since before my daughter was born over 3 years ago (well, I have been self employed but let’s face it: I work from my home… So, I’m home) and having discussed the “what do you do for a living?” question with other parents at parks and stores it seems the at home moms are respected (I’m also noticing more and more moms making the changes they need to, TO stay home!).  Many other moms wish they could stay home, but for financial reasons have to work.  This is in Monroe, of course.  I have never had a single negative experience when someone finds out I stay home with the kids.  I get a lot of comments like “thank goodness!  It’s nice to see that still happens!”  I’ve been thinking of putting together some sort of a workshop or meeting to help Monroe families learn of ways they can cut costs and plan so one parent CAN stay home.  I talk with my students (and locals who haven’t taken any classes) about their budget, lifestyle, and what they can do to trim some costs and find that a lot of them can stay home after all (especially factoring in their savings of no daycare, reduced gas consumption, no more lunches on the fly, work clothing, etc.).  I have no formal education in finances, but have lived frugally all my life and it seems people think I have some good ideas.  I’d love to form some sort of a meeting where we can all gather, share ideas and get more parents staying at home!  Anyway, getting back on track…

Being an at-home parent isn’t a walk in the park.  Don’t get me wrong: I love being here.  But there is a lot of effort in taking care of the daily needs of children day in and day out.  There are meals and snacks to prepare, children to clean, dress, change, entertain and teach, a house to clean, errands to run, a household to manage, temper tantrums to tame, little hands that want to help (with EVERYTHING), bills to pay and a checkbook to balance, possibly other pets to tend to.  When you stay at home, you tend to not only take care of the children, but the rest of the household management as well.

I personally think that taking care of the household management is great - you are able to teach your kids from an early age how to run a house.  I know I mention this a lot, but my kids (age 3.5 and nearly two (and one still baking) do have chores.  As soon as they show an interest in helping mom, I jump on it.  If they want to help fold clothes or wash dishes, we do it. Even if it means the chore takes 4x longer than it normally would (and makes a mess) if ihad done it myself, my kids are helping and being exposed to skills they will need when they’re on their own.  As soon as they have been taught a skill suitable for their age, it becomes their job to complete.  Of course, I don’t expect perfection - that will come in time - but I expect the job to be done, and to be done cheerfully. I don’t believe in whisking kids away so mom can clean the house, or putting them in front of the TV so you can get things done, but I know this does work for other parents.  Often, I wonder if not letting kids help when they have the natural desire leads to a rough time introducing chores when the parent feels the child is old enough.  I do believe in letting the kids help.  You are home with them, so teach them.  Eventually they will start helping you for real and you can delegate actual jobs to them so you no longer have to do them.  My daughter does have a lot of little jobs that she does (sorts and puts away silverware, rinses dishes and places them in the dishrack, gathers dirty dishes as I start washing, folds her own clothing, helps mommy load the washer and hang to dry, picks up her toys and puts them away every night, etc.).  She started helping early and I kept it going (we make it fun, and I don’t force it on her as soon as I notice an interest, I let her help but it’s on her terms at the beginning, to let her see it can be fun!).  She loves to help me cook and although it can be frusterating or messier than normal I just remember I’m home for a reason, and what better reason than to teach my kids life skills!  THIS is my job!  In my home, we carry on a very traditional approach to life and raising our children.  I stay at home and I take full responsibility for all child care and household management tasks.  My husband works outside of the home so we can pay our bills.  We will homeschool (starting my daughter in preschool this fall, at home) and I instill life skills in them (back to basics, homesteading type) that are quickly being lost to the world of fast and convienient.  I’m home and have the time to teach them how to live life simply, without all of the thrills and frills.  Because we are a single income family, we don’t have the finances to get a lot of the fancy kitchen appliances, build a huge DVD or CD library, buy tons of noisy toys for the kids, etc.  I rather enjoy that though, because I feel life can be very enjoyable without all the extra’s, and i hope my children grow up with the same outlook.

Anyway, getting back on track - having mentioned all of that I don’t see how an active at-home mom, dedicating her life to raising her children, can be looked down upon or feel disrespected.  She is taking on one of the most important jobs she’ll ever have!  This goes the same for dads who stay home, also (of course!).  Being home with the kids often means no time off, no sick days, very little adult interaction and a lot of responsibility.  I hate that some of society thinks a woman should have to work outside of the home and hold some high-ranking career to deserve respect!  Raising our children ourselves today with love, values, discipline and life skills is pretty darn important so we can continue to have caring, compassionate and skilled people tomorrow. 

Postpartum plans are similar to birth plans in that you plan how you’d IDEALLY like your postpartum period to go.  Who is responsible for what, what gets done, what to eat, etc.  Of course, plans change.  But it’s helpful to plan an idea so that when things are going smoothly, you can know what to expect.

http://www.dona.org/resources/doula_practice_postpartum.php DONA International has a postpartum plan.

Find another at http://transitiontoparenthood.com/ttp/foreducators/babystuff/babycareplan2.pdf This is a PDF, so you’ll need Adobe Acrobat Reader (free) which can be found at www.adobe.com or some other reader for PDF’s.

I will be posting a few more links or files for moms who will be staying at home long term - and some ideas to prevent communication issues, common arguments and make stay at home life a little more organized.  Stay tuned

Cloth diapers can save a lot of money. The main downside to them is the fact that up front, it can cost about $100 or so to get started.  Of course, over time you re-use the diapers and it saves you money after the first months of using them, but just getting started can be rough. 

Visit http://miraclediapers.org/ and get started using donated diapers! 

If you have used cloth diapers and no longer need them, consider donating them to Miracle Diapers.  I have donated diapers to them in the past and am so glad knowing my diapers are getting another life!

Gosh where do I begin?

The misunderstanding between husbands who work out of the home and their wives who stay home with their children is getting out of control.

Some husbands seem to think their wives “sit at home all day” doing “nothing” and can’t understand why they have to come home to a still cluttered house and a frazzled wife with dinner being late.  Wives on the other hand feel unappreciated and feel their husband is expecting too much from them day by day.  Misunderstandings lead to a lack of communication because both parties seem to be too frazzled to begin and marriages fall apart.

I am seeing way too much of this.  I thank the good Lord above that I have an understanding husband.  I stay at home, but I also own a business (teaching expectant and new parents about pregnancy, birth and beyond!) and write books.  Of course I’m a wife, and a mother of soon to be three small children.  I have a lot on my plate - but it allows me a great opportunity to try out new ideas!  And I also help other couples find ways so a partner can stay at home with frugal ideas and strategies - only to hear of the frusteration that continues to mount after a period of time.

It seems as if all the planning in the world is not enough to prevent problems.  Some husbands complain that they come home to a messy house, bills are forgotten about, dinner isn’t ready, mom is frazzled and starts complaining the moment he walks in the door or hands a fussy baby over to him as she walks away saying she needs a moment to herself.  Mom on the other hand has been working around the house all day making meals, cleaning up children, picking up after the messes kids make, play with the kids, trying to get kids down for naps.  For moms with very young children, breastfeeding or bottle feeding can take up a lot of time in the early months, diaper changing can take up a lot of time, then there are baths, bedtime and oh yea, dinner (whoops!).

Let’s admit it.  No one has an easy job.  Many moms claim their out of the home jobs pre-baby were easier than staying at home with the kids.   But then again - they wouldn’t trade this job for anything.  Even if dad seems to have an easy job (and might even be accused of sitting on HIS behind all day!), dad has a lot to worry about.  He’s the one providing financially for the family!  There is a LOT riding on dads shoulders.  His stress can lead to a lack of feeling appreciated, or even resentment against his wife because he hasn’t yet spent a day in her shoes and he has to work all day only to come home to an unkept house.  The wife, on the other hand, starts to resent the husband because he has such an “easy” job and she’s been at home with the kids all day - again, not having spent a day in his shoes.

Let’s back up a minute.  When did the lack of appreciation, resentment and frusteration first begin?  How much planning went into the decision to stay home?  Was it a joint decision, or did mom put her foot down and claim she was not returning to work?  Resentment can start building up right at the start if staying home is not a joint decision - and the outcome is never pretty.  But maybe it was a joint decision, but there are expectations dad may have never mentioned, and as a result they are not being met.  He doesn’t want to nit pick his bride, so he doesn’t say anything.  But frusteration starts to build and a sense of resentment or lack of appreciation comes about because certain things are just not getting done.  Maybe as soon as mom starts staying home, the husband hands over all household and childcare duties, as he thinks he should (or even thinks that is what his wife wants!), leaving mom feeling unprepared, overwhelmed and overworked.  There are many scenarios that can lead to problems.

I am witnessing too many needless arguments, fights and both partners needing a place to vent their problems, then the main problem is (or seems to be) LACK OF COMMUNICATION.  There are a few key points to making your SAHM career work. First - communicate before baby is born.  Even if you don’t think you’ll ever want to be a stay at home mom, talk about the “what if” with your husband.  Many a husband has been taken by surprise when their wife assumes her maternal role and decides she doesn’t want to return to work and without some advance notice this can be quite shocking!  Second, work out a budget, make some cuts, and decide if staying home is even an option.  Do not make this decision alone.  Discuss ways in which you can contribute to the household income if needed either by working part time or even working from home.  Third, plan and prepare for life after baby. Decide who will be responsible for what.  Of course things are going to change, you both may forget to do certain things, etc. This is to be expected.  But having a basic outline of what BOTH of your expectations are will be a huge help.  I have some postpartum planning guides if anyone wants one I can freely distribute them.  In fact, I’ll see if I can upload them on this blog.  Fourth, make time for each other.  I know, everyone says this but it really is important.  You as a couple need to come first for each other and foster your own relationship in addition to your relationship as mom and dad.  In the early months time together will be hard.  When baby naps, try to cuddle with each other.  Don’t close down the lines of communication.  Openly express yourself, your frusterations and have frequent “heart to heart” conversations.  Stay up a little later than usual after baby is in bed.  When baby is old enough and you’re comfortable leaving baby with a sitter, take some time to just be a couple.  Go for a walk, go for a drive, just be together.  heck, if you aren’t yet comfortable leaving the baby alone with a sitter (admittedly I wasn’t until my firstborn was 18 mos!), leave a friend with the baby and just sit outside on the porch sipping a cup of coffee or tea.  Hold hands, hug, kiss freely and love each other.  The more you can foster your personal relationship, the more your baby will benefit.

I’ll blog a few times on this, as I want to cover some ideas that can help the SAHMs (stay at home moms) and WOHDs (work out of home dads). 

But for now, I’d like to hear from the SAHMs and WOHDs.  What is your situation like?  What are your roles?  What are your frusterations?  What do you wish your partner would understand?