As a parent, one of the most difficult lessons to learn is you have little to NO control of what your child may hear, see or do when he or she is away from your home.

I could cite many examples ranging from selecting provocative attire to hearing questionable music, debate faith traditions and beliefs that clash with American popular culture, get into the nitty gritty of what is allowed or celebrated in one community or family vs. what is discouraged in another….

But here is the bottom line:

The best any parent can do is to limit participation or access in your own home to activities, ideas or messages that you personally don’t agree with – and have discussions with the children along the way about how and why you set those family values.

Even if your opinion is in line with those held by respected parenting experts, there will be those who have different opinions because of their perspectives or backgrounds, those who insist you are uptight and should “lighten up”, and even those can’t be bothered about that issue because it really doesn’t matter to them personally.

You will frequently feel as if you are fighting a losing battle for your kid’s time and attention.

Example from today’s headlines: The Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood.

You’ll find an Associated Press story about the campaign’s holiday effort, and the response from toy companies, on page 1A of today’s print and e-editions of The Monroe Evening News. If you are not a subscriber to my newspaper, I also found the story at NorthJersey.com.

A snippet from the news story:

The message: Please, in these days of economic angst, cut back on marketing your products directly to our children.

The letter-writing initiative was launched by the Boston-based Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood, which says roughly 1,400 of its members and supporters have contacted 24 leading toy companies and retailers to express concern about ads aimed at kids.

“Unfortunately, I will not be able to purchase many of the toys that my sons have asked for; we simply don’t have the money,” wrote Todd Helmkamp of Hudson, Ind. “By bombarding them with advertisements … you are placing parents like me in the unenviable position of having to tell our children that we can’t afford the toys you promote.”

Now, I do sympathize with that dad who is quoted, and the other heartbreaking stories in the article.

But parents with young children will learn that financial pressures don’t get much better when kids get older and supposedly understand real life issues. Instead of fussing about the latest toys from Santa Claus, they’ll be fussing about getting their own car or going away to university instead of living at home and attending community college.

Now, to create a battle plan for this holiday season or birthday occasions for younger children, I suggest that parents on a budget read through the campaign material for Commercial-Free Childhood. In particular, I liked the pdf booklet off the front page that shows what people from various lifestyles and experiences are doing to help instill a commercial-free or commercial-light value in their homes.

Here’s the key point: Those who work in advertising and public relations know that a message that is seen or heard only once rarely sinks in for long-term memory.

So if it happens at a friend’s home, or grandma’s home or dad’s home that the child saw a commercial or an ad for a cool toy you can’t afford, don’t get too upset. You might find that the child soon forgets about that suggestion.

The long-term impact happens when that same commercial or theme or message is seen over and over again.

That is why the most effective steps you can take as a parent are those that involve your family’s daily lifestyle:

• You can provide your children with a variety of productive and inexpensive activities for their free time other than television. Think of craft projects, books, board games, indoor and outdoor sports.
• You can make it easy for your child to choose video programs that have messages you approve – such as placing selected DVDs on a shelf within the child’s sight. (Hint: hide the videos that celebrate Santa’s talents with toys.)
• You can put limits on the total amount of television time. One of the easiest ways for families on a budget to do that is cut off the cablevision or satellite service and use broadcast TV to stay on top of the weather reports and new headlines. If the kids can’t find their favorite cartoons and favorite programs, they’ll turn off the TV or pop in a video.
• You can send the toy catalogs and sales fliers directly to the recycling bin or hide them until you wish to arrange for Santa orders (that is, if Santa visits your family at all – I have met families who don’t include that custom in their holiday traditions).
• You can make it clear from the time the children are very young that even Santa has limits – on the price, the number, the space, or whatever explanation makes sense with your family customs. Example: even though Santa was invited into my home, his responsibility was limited. The better gifts usually were designated as being from a relative.
• You can limit dinners out and stop picking up fast food on the run so the children don’t get toys or advertisements with their food. Yes, that does means you’ll be cooking or prepping food more often at home. Frugal families have been doing that for years.
• You can make arrangements to leave the children with a babysitter or a relative while you go shoppping. I picked up groceries during my lunch break or on my way home from work so my young daughter wouldn’t see what I decided not to buy.
• You can introduce traditions that celebrate the values you cherish, find interesting, or wish to pass on to another generation. You may want, for example, to take the children to a live music concert this season or ask that they help you send Christmas cards to nursing home residents.
• You can make friends with families who are raising their children with similar values to yours, who hold ethical principles you admire, or whose budgets are in line with yours, even if there are cultural or religious differences.

And then … no matter how frequently the toy commericials hit the airwaves, the messages that your child sees and hears most often during the Christmas season have nothing to do with Santa’s magical toy list.

Hopefully, then, it will be much easier for you, as a parent on a budget, to keep your children’s holiday gift expectations within your means.