(…and sometimes I had to explain those terms to my mom.)
Let’s see what we all know and don’t know about pregnancy and childbirth terminology*. Hint: just like those high school assessment tests and college placement exams, the rumor is true: when in doubt, choose “C”.
a) Topic of a Broadway show
b) Technical term for hoo-hoo, vah-j-j, down there, etc.
c) Birth canal
a) Per 1000 years
b) A place you would have to be crazy to want to get pierced
c) The skin and tissues between the vagina and the anus
a) A female Motown singer
b) Word that we have so many other words to use instead of it
c) Tube which carries urine from bladder to exterior of body
a) A brand of sausage
b) Not to be mistakenly pronounced for kee-gal
c) Name for the pelvic floor muscle that runs from the symphysis pubis in front to the coccyx in back which supports the abdominal organs and uterus; also name of exercises to strengthen it
5) Braxton-Hicks contraction
a) A legal binder between Toni and Taylor
b) The shortened form of Braxtonheimer and Hicksenschmidt
c) Normal intermittent painless uterine contractions
a) The ceremony you hope your daughter goes through before getting knocked up
b) The ceremony you hope you son goes through before he says oops
c) The entrance of the presenting part of the baby into the pelvis prior to birth
7) Bloody show
a) English man’s term for a performance
b) The warning/rating for the Texas Chainsaw Massacre films
c) Passage of blood tinged mucous or mucous plug prior to onset of labor as the cervix begins to dilate
a) What they do to your eyes at the ophthalmologist’s office (the ophtha who?)
b) The method of making a call with rotary phones
c) The act of opening the cervix to approximately 10 cm
a) A meeting in person
b) A confrontation
c) The act of thinning the cervix, usually expressed in percentage
a) The rumored cosmetic of how Dick Clark looks so youthful
b) The period of time directly following pushing your baby out
c) The placenta and membranes expelled after the baby is born
a) What you listen to the radio on
b) Where you pump your gas
c) The downward progress of the baby relative to the ischial spines expressed in cm, i.e.: -1, +2, etc.
a) The payback for 10 months of no menstruation
b) What your doctor didn’t forewarn you about
c) The bloody discharge for several weeks following birth
13) Vaginal exam
a) What a guy tries to do on the first date
b) What a guy tries to do on the second date
c) Entering the vagina with gloved hand to assess the dilation, effacement, descent and position of baby.
a) The ceremony when a new matriarch is enthroned.
b) The fake tear/ “I cannot believe it”/bobby pin the bling on portion of any beauty pageant.
c) The portion of second stage labor when the baby’s head pushes the tissues forward looking like a crown.
a) A security risk
b) Something misrepresented, not what you thought it was
c) Presentation of baby with buttocks, foot or feet first.
How to score your quiz:
13-15 correct: You need to contact me regarding taking a natural childbirth class since I told you all the correct answers were “C” but I can give you a few since some of the others can technically be true statements as well.
9-12 correct: You need to contact me regarding taking a natural childbirth class AND a reading comprehension class since I told you all the correct answers were “C”.
5-8 correct: You need to contact me regarding taking a natural childbirth class AND a reading comprehension class AND perhaps a math class since I told you all the correct answers were “C”.
1-4 correct: You need to contact me regarding taking a natural childbirth class AND a reading comprehension class AND perhaps a math class AND I will provide the funding for these classes since you must not have a job with such little regard for direction since I told you all the correct answers were “C”.
0 correct: I give up. Are you getting anything out of what I’m trying to teach you here?!?!
*All definitions taken from my imagination, The Urban Dictionary and The Bradley Method® Student Workbook – you decide which.