The Cynical Critic

Well. Here we are. It’s a Tuesday, and apparently it’s time for a blog entry. However, today is a bit different than normal. Since it is a Tuesday, that can only mean one thing: a crappy review. Yes, that’s right. Tuesdays, will now be known rather as “Terrible Tuesdays” in which I choose a movie/ game/ album at random, that for the most part is either overrated, over hyped, or just lain bad, and rip it to shreds for your enjoyment.

So then, now that we have the little introduction out of the way, what is to be the first movie to be reviewed on this less than perfect day? Hmm… Ah…. I know….

Eventually May rolled around and for the most part, the reviews were pretty shocking. Nearly every movie critic worth a thing all reviewed Troy pretty poorly. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it also flopped pretty bad on it’s opening weekend, scoring less than 50 million (as opposed to it’s ridiculous 180 million production total). For the most part all of the hype seemed to be utter crap, and as for myself I had lost much of the interest I originally had in it. As a result, I simply waited for it to come out on DVD. In hindsight, I am definitely glad I waited.

Finally, Troy was released on DVD at which point I went out and rented it. At first it didn’t really seem that bad. Sure, Troy seems like it doesn’t follow Homer’s stories at all. Sure, Orlando Bloom’s character was obnoxiously horrible. Sure, his acting is quite possibly horrendous, but at least I get to see Brad Pitt kill some guys. That’s cool right? … Right?
Oh God, I had no idea what was still to come.

So then about a fourth way into the movie (after Achilles takes the beach, and Agmamenon’s forces have arrived) I begin noticing something. Every time Brad Pitt says something, it kinda makes me mad. In fact, I kind of begin to notice that with Bloom’s character too. As I sit there and listen to Brad Pitt go on about how he’s not really on anyone’s side, and yet he clearly fights for one of the sides, I begin to realize why I hate it when he talks.

Brad Pitt is literally portraying Achilles as a royal a** hole. Seriously. Just looking at some of his quotes are making me mad right now.

“I want what all men want, I just want it more. You don’t need to fear me girl, you’re the only Trojan who can say that.”
“You won’t have eyes tonight. You won’t have ears or a tongue. you will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector: the fool who thought he killed Achilles.”
“Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I understand a good character is suppose to invoke emotions in it’s readers/ viewers, but these are entirely the WRONG emotions being invoked for some one who is identified as being the main character. Not only do I hate Achilles at this point, I very much want to see him get whats coming to him. So thereby instead of rooting for main character at this point, I am doing the very opposite. I feel this is a prime example of bad writing, or at least bad directing. That being said, I think it’s fine to have Pitt play Achilles in the way that he did, however do NOT make him the main focus in the movie.

Another pretty big gripe I had with this movie was Bloom’s character. Now, I’d like to think he portrayed Paris fairly accurate, but it’s simply the fact that his acting is found to be quite lacking. I found that most of the characters were pretty cliche’d by the end of the movie, but Paris exceeded all of the other character exponentially. Some of his lines are downright laughable, especially the ones when he is talking to Helen, “I’ll hunt deer and rabbit, we can live off the land!”. Simply pathetic.

Other problems I saw with this movie were the camera shots and angles. It should be pretty much understood by now that when you have a movie with MASSIVE landscapes, and MASSIVE armies using long swooping shots to let the viewer get the full picture are a must. Too bad Troy doesn’t really do this at all. Instead, we the viewer never really get the big picture, and as a result everything feels scale down.

An element in this movie that severely pisses me off, is the unnecessary addition of the relationship between Achilles and Briseis. I really hate the fact that Achilles throughout the entire filmed is portrayed as cold merciless killer, but then by chance he meets Briseis, and suddenly she seems to change him over night. This entire addition is almost laughable, and really gives the movie a “cheesy Hollywood” feel. It almost seems like in order to appeal to a wider crowd, the relationship between Briseis and Achilles was added. This accounts for just one of the many, cliche’d and “Hollywood-ized” aspects of this film.

In the end I was happy Troy was over, and as a result felt that I had wasted two hours of my life.

Overall, Troy isn’t a terrible movie, but it certainly fails to deliver. That being said, for something that promised so much, and could have truly blown everyone away, we were instead left with a generic, cheesy, overall shallow movie, that really leaves you feeling empty and kinda mad.

I give Troy a 6 on the Crap-0-Meter (the higher the number, the worse the film is).

As summer draws closer, it’s inevitable that a plethora of different movies will come along with it. Summer 2008 looks to be a great season for movies overall, and Tropic Thunder looks to be ranked as possibly the funniest comedy to be released during those blistering months.

Tropic Thunder stars Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. who plays, get this, a black man throughout the entire film. The story is about three actors who get together to make the greatest war movie ever, but in order to truly get in touch with the characters they are portraying, they end up fighting in a real war (unbeknown to them of course).

Aside from these three stars, a number of other actors seem to be making cameo appearances in this film as well. Tom Cruise, Matthew McConaughey (who I am told replaced Owen Wilson), Nick Nolte, and Tobey Maguire are all on board to at least make appearances.

With so much star power Tropic Thunder can be argued that it surely has the ability to deliver, although as it has been seen in the past, too much star power can just as easily be a bad thing. Regardless, Tropic Thunder should offer at the very least, minor comic relief. I plan on going to see it for the sole reason of seeing Robert Downey Jr. play a black man. Keep your eyes on this one. It definitely has some potential.

Here’s the trailer for those of you who are interested:

Umm, hey, whats up, and stuff. My name is Josh, and apparently I am the author of this blog entitled, “The Cynical Critic” (I guess that would make me the critic then too, wouldn’t it?) Well, I guess if you are here you may be wondering what this blog actually is. So I guess in a word, it’s kind of a review site for all things movies/ music/ games/ random stuff/ etc. Basically, it’s just a place for you to come, read my thoughts on stuff (specifically consumer related crap, although I will give my opinions on stuff that can’t be purchased as well), agree or disagree, then rant about it in a comment or blog response of your own.

Along with reviews I plan on doing some previews of certain things too (we will call those specific entries, “At a Glance”). Eventually, if all goes to plan, I even plan on doing a video entry about once a week or so, where I can show you a review hands on (of course this all depends on a number of factors happening. more on this later). Finally, I plan on having special events/ blogging days where I will occasionally change everything up. Once again I’ll explain this all in due time.

Anyway, until things get rolling feel free to check out the “About” section, and be sure to stop by in the future.

Thanks.

(wow, looking back at my entry I just realized I used a million parentheses. heh, I’m actually using another one as I type this. great. this is just what I want to do to impress new readers. type a bunch of stuff in little brackets that no one really bothers reading anyway. why am I still even typing? okay. I’m stopping now. bye.)