The Cynical Critic

Good God. So, last Saturday me and some friends went and saw The Happening. In case you didn’t know, The Happening is M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest film, and has been broadcast as being “his first R rated movie.” Anyway, if you don’t feel like reading anymore of this review, you might as well know now it’s a Tuesday and I happen to be reviewing it. So yes, it’s terrible. If you are wondering if you should see it, don’t. But if you are curious enough to see just how bad it is, continue reading on, if you dare.

About four months ago when no one knew what this movie was about I was pretty excited for its release. The last M. Night movie was definitely a let down, and so I assumed he was going to be trying harder this time around. What a joke that turned out to be. It seems almost like M. Night didn’t want you to know what the movie was about because if you did, their was a good chance you wouldn’t be watching it in theaters.

Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we. First things first. Let’s talk about the acting. If you’re wondering if it is as bad as you have heard, let me tell you: it is. Honestly, it’s some of the worst acting I have ever seen. And that is hard for me to say, because generally I think Marky Mark is a pretty decent B-list actor. But not in this. Not at all. You know the acting is horrible when there is a scene in the movie that involves people a few hundred yards away from you being shot in the head, and you’re only reaction to them blowing out their brains is a quiet: “Oh no.” Seriously.

Other horrendously acted scenes include
the old lady threatening that Marky Mark is going to kill her, and he replies, “What? No…!”, as well as Marky Mark conversing with a plastic plant. Honestly, the acting is terrible, and the dialogue is much worse, if that’s even possible.

I guess possibly the next worse thing about this movie has to be the plot and storyline. In case you aren’t aware yet, the entire movie is more or less about plants emitting toxins that cause people to kill themselves. Yep. The main villain in this movie are trees and bushes. Oh, and let’s not forget the wind. The wind apparently carries the toxin, so there is one especially hilarious scene where the wind picks up and the characters actually begin to try and outrun the scene. It’s absurd, ridiculous, and stupid, all the while it is making you feel like an idiot for even possibly considering this movie was meant to be taken seriously.

Aside from an absolutely retarded plot, the movie itself suffers from what can only be described as on film ADD. It jumps around from scene to scene, going out of its way just to reveal completely pointless scenes that have absolutely no bearing on the film at all. It really seems as if M Night just threw in a bunch of crap to make the movie 90 minutes long. Which is ironic, because about thirty minutes in I was checking my watch every 10 minutes, hoping the film was near it’s end. In fact it got so bad at one point that I was sure the movie was just about over, but to my chagrin, I was only 45 minutes into it. But back to my point about the scenes, not only are they entirely pointless, they completely destroy any mood or tension this film might have established at one point. It pretty much desensitizes the audience and makes the film feel more like a comedy or spoof film, than an actual thriller movie.

In fact, The Happening is so bad that it truly does feel like a comedy at times. It feels like a dumber version of Snakes on a Plane. Now me personally, if the movie was originally trying to go for that “cheap B movie” feel, then I would be perfectly fine with it, and I would enjoy it for what it is. But honestly, I don’t think that’s what M. Night was going for. He specifically tries to make a point in the film, and ultimately underestimates the audience’s IQ level and thereby rams his political messages down our throats until we are forced to understand what it is he is trying to say. As a result, it makes a movie that could have been just humorous film, and turns it into a wanna be serious, political backwash atrocity of a film.

In closing, The Happening is hands down the worse film I have ever seen in a theater. That’s saying a lot. That’s saying it’s worse than TMNT 3, Power Rangers: The Movie, Texas Chainsaw Beginnings, and the Poke’mon movie. So if you still aren’t convinced by now, do yourself a favor. Find it online some where, and watch the first couple of minutes. Chances are by then, you will have had enough, and will be glad you can spend your 8.50 on something else, like toilet paper, or socks.

I give this crap-fest a 8.0 on the Crap-O-Meter. I think this might just be a candidate for worst movie of the year…