Hello out there in blogger land. I have a real treat for you today, my faithful readers. In case you haven’t noticed, I have been getting a bit lazy in my posting. Maybe it’s due in part to the fact that I go to college, and spend most of my time writing countless papers about such topics as “Describe how Communism has affected progress in the middle east”, as well as favorites like “Fact or Fiction: Cellulite Is An Epidemic” that it causes me to not really want to write anything else. Or maybe it’s just because I’m too lazy to actually do anything. Most likely it’s the second.

So then because of this, I have decided to change things up a bit. I feel like I need a new outlook, nay a fresh opinion on things. And because of this, I have decided to add an additional writer to the site. Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, it is my pleasure to introduce to you, long time friend, video game enthusiast, and fellow critic, Josh Piippo!

Yes, I know his last name may seem a bit hard to pronounce, but believe me, his opinions on movies and such are as hard as they come. With “Peep” now on board, this will give the site a fighting chance, and will also give you the reader more of a reason to continue coming back. I of course will stay and continue to write as often as possible (I’m actually currently working on a review of Halo: ODST, so stay tuned!). But now with Peep around, it has given me plenty of fresh new ideas. Varying things from dueling opinions about movies, to a panelist discussion of sorts. Oh, and be sure to check out Peep’s bio in the “About the Cynical Critics” page, located at the top of the site.

So anyway, stick around and stay tuned. I know I still have a lot more plans for this site, and you can guarantee Peep’s got some too!

- C.C.

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Holy crap, an actual post. Yes, after an absurdly long hiatus, I am back (for now). And since I’m back, I decided to review what happens to quite possibly be the most anticipated summer blockbuster, “Inglourious Basterds”. In case you are unfamiliar with the film, Inglourious Basterds is Quentin Tarantino’s latest flick. The movie itself is based in France/ other random mid-European places during the height of World War II. Brad Pitt stars at Lt. Aldo Raine, leader of the Inglorious Basterds, a group of Jewish-American soldiers out to “do one thing, and thing only, kill nazis,” as Pitt himself puts so elegantly. Also starring is Christoph Waltz as the evil, yet often hilarious SS agent Col. Landa. As well as Melanie Laurent as Jewish heroine, Shosanna Dreyfus, and Eli Roth as Basterd, Donny Donowitz. Well that’s enough for the intro, let’s delve deeper into the movie.

First let me just say that this is a classic Tarantino film. So if you’re reading this article and you are debating on seeing it or not, let me just ask you, have you enjoyed Tarantino’s films in the past? If you have, then check this out. You’ll probably enjoy it. But for those of you who generally pass on Tarantino, you may want to consider doing just the same for this movie. Tarantino really just does more of the same that he’s done with his other movies, and when it comes to major gripes that I had with this movie (if you can even call that a major gripe), it would have to be just that; the fact that Tarantino really doesn’t add a whole lot to Basterds that he hasn’t already added in his other movies.

In fact let’s examine this closer for a second, shall we? Most Tarantino films have a good amount of (seemingly) pointless swearing, lots and lots of dialogue, interesting camera shots, eccentric characters, and of course good fashion violence. On second thought, scratch that. All Tarantino movies have those things (except Jackie Brown. That had porn in it). So then, does Basterds follow this trend? Well, let’s see. There’s certainly not an absence of swearing, so that’s a check. And let’s not forget the diner scene that lasts for a good 10 minutes between Col. Landa and Shosanna, so that’s a definite check for long dialogue. Basterds also has some varied (and might I add, surprisingly smart) camera shots, so another check there. I personally found both Pitt and Waltz’s characters to be quite entertaining, so once more a check. And finally, Basterds has violent action scenes in spades.

So when looking at all these things, Basterds really does look like another typical Tarantino film. The thing is though, that’s not even technically a bad thing. As a viewer and movie critic however, I just sort of wished Tarantino had done something a little different. But maybe that’s what makes Tarantino, Tarantino.  He does things his own way, more or less. When I had first heard about the movie, I had such high hopes for it, and given the background and general idea behind the movie, I really thought Tarantino was gonna knock it out of the park. But what I got instead was just a good, entertaining movie, that seemed vaguely familiar in a Quentin sort of way, and yet  for some reason I feel let down. I probably really shouldn’t be holding this against the film itself, but for some reason I just can’t seem to help it.

Another issue I had with the movie was the lengthy dialogue in some scenes. Now, I know I just stated earlier on in my review that Tarantino is known for his lengthy dialogue scenes, but some of the scenes (one in particular) in Basterds almost get out of hand. Namely, the restaurant scene between Col. Landa and Shosanna. I felt that a large portion of it was unnecessary, and really slowed the movie down to almost a grind. In contrast however, I felt the long dialogue scene in the very beginning of the movie between Col. Landa and LaPadite was both tension filled, and very necessary. From a technical point of view, that was really my only major gripe I had with the film as a whole.

Now that we have got the negative stuff out of the way, let’s move on to what I actually liked about the film. Let me just say that I thought Pitt and Waltz were awesome this movie. Pitt seemed to have his character down perfect, in my opinion. Everything from slight mannerisms, to the way he delivered his lines, to his deep Tennessee accent, really seemed to flesh out his character. Waltz’s performance also really impressed me. I had never even heard of the guy until Basterds, but boy did he do a great job with portraying his character. Waltz did a fantastic job with balancing his action on screen; one second he would have the audience cracking up at his “eccentricness” and delivery of lines, and then the next second he would be horrifying the audience with the sheer brutality of his character. Every scene that he was in really seemed to add another layer of tension to the movie (except the restaurant scene of course, lulz).

I also really liked the camera work and cinematography in this movie. I thought Quentin had a couple of awesome shots, particularly the straight on shot between Col. Landa and LaPadite. And except for those few scenes, I thought the script was spot on, and pretty funny at times. The action sequences were also well done, and really seemed to showcase that classic Tarantino style that everyone has come to love.

The movie itself really seems to have a spaghetti western feel that oh-so many Tarantino movies have (i.e. Kill Bill). And in a lot of ways, it actually kind of works for Basterds, as strange as that may sound when considering the fact that Basterds is suppose to be a war movie, not a western.

\Except for those one or parts that seemed to drag, I really didn’t catch myself looking at my watch to see how much longer the movie had left. Overall, the movie is really just downright entertaining, which realistically probably makes up for its one or two drawbacks. Essentially, Inglourious Basterds is classic Tarantino. So if you’re in the mood to see Brad Pitt killing carving swastikas in to people’s heads, some rather interesting camera work, or nazis getting bashed in the face with baseball bats, then Inglourious Basterds is for you. And if you’re not in the mood for any of that, then chances are you aren’t reading this review to begin with.

8/10

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Wow. So I guess it’s been awhile. And by awhile, I mean two months or so. Heh. Well, I do have kind of a good excuse. My laptop’s been broken for awhile, so I actually had to go out and buy a new one. Anyway, I guess I’m more or less back for now. So in case you actually happen to see this, I’ll just say that I plan on jumping right into things. I have a couple ideas for reviews and blog entries for the future, so hopefully I won’t be too lazy, and I’ll actually get around to doing it.

Now that we have got that out of the way, let us move on with the business at hand. Perhaps you have noticed the title to this entry, and you’re thinking to yourself, “Hey, that seems pretty arrogant”, so let me just say that the title has nothing to do with me. The title really applies to that of Mickey Rourke, and his role in “The Wrestler”, the movie that I plan on reviewing. So if you’re interested, sit back, relax, and read on my faithful readers.

So their you have it. Mickey Rourke makes his comeback with what happens to be (in my humble opinion), one of the best movies in recent years. With that aside, let’s get into the nitty gritty shall we. The movie is directed by the young albeit veteran director, Darren Aronofsky. Aronofsky is certainly known for his work in Pi, and Requiem for a Dream, although he has certainly out done himself with The Wrestler. Working along side Aronofsky and Rourke, are Marisa Tomei, playing Rourke’s love interest, as well as Evan Rachel Wood who plays the part of Rourke’s daughter.

The movie is reminiscent in a lot of ways of a modern day Rocky. Rourke plays a has been wrestler named Randy “The Ram” Robinson, who is simply just trying to make end’s meet by preforming at local sports centers, signing autographs, and working part time at a local super market. Eventually, Randy is offered a chance to headline a rather large wrestling event, to which he agrees upon. However, beforehand Randy suffers a heart attack and is told that if he ever wrestles again he may die. For spoiler reasons, this is about as far as I will go for explaining the plot.

As far as the finer aspects of the film are concerned,  Aronofsky is at the top of his game here. I won’t go as far to say that the visual work is better than that of Requiem for a Dream, but I will say that he does get some very nice shots, specifically the end scene (for those of you that have seen it). Along with this, Aronofsky does a very nice job of establishing atmosphere for the viewer early on in the film. Everything from the run down centers that the Ram wrestles in, to the dirty trailer park he lives in, all of it really gives you sense of pity for Rourke’s character, which is exactly what Aronofsky is wanting.

Another thing I personally liked about Aronofsky’s direction, is the use of a handcam to film almost all of the moving shots. For a good part of the movie, the camera is focused squarely on Ram’s back when he moving from place to place. This not only gives a more personal feeling for the audience toward the movie’s protagonist, but it also draws the viewer in and really makes them feel like they are a part of the movie.

So, in short, I’m sure all of you can see why I think so I highly of this movie. I give it a… wait, what? What was that you said? Oh, of course! How could I have forgotten? I still haven’t discussed the most major part of the film. THE ACTING. In case you haven’t heard, Rourke’s acting has been praised up and down by nearly ever critic that exists, but let me tell you why that is so.

Good acting is often judged on the believability of a character. Great acting can be defined by the level of depth that an actor gives to that specific character. And d**n near perfect acting can be defined by the said actor actually BECOMING that character. Let me tell you right now: Mickey Rourke didn’t play or act the part of Randy “The Ram”, he literally WAS Randy “The Ram”. Never before in a movie have I truly seen total immersion of an actor and a character, that is until I watched Rourke in “The Wrestler”. Everything he does and says really seem to embody the persona of “The Ram” character.

And if that weren’t enough, Rourke’s entire performance is noteworthy (at least in my book), for being one of the only characters in a movie that I truly had compassion on. I can say that I honestly felt bad for him at times. As things got progressively worse in the movie, I couldn’t help but feel depressed myself. The Ram is clearly a character with flaws, and the viewers are entirely aware of them, yet we still want to see him succeed, even if we know from the beginning that most likely things will not end good. The Ram is so human at times, that it is almost frightening. Rourke balances the line between being humorous at times, while simultaneously not breaking character, nor killing the mood of the film.  All of this is a sign of a great performance. It is of little surprise to me that he got nominated for an Academy Award, and if he doesn’t win then I will say it now: The Academy is full of fools.

The great acting does not stop their however, Maris Tomei is also very riveting in her performance. She plays her part very convincingly, and the chemistry between her and Rourke is nothing short than excellent. The two seem to work flawlessly together. Once again, I’m glad she got nominated. She deserved it.

I know their has been some debate over the ending of the movie, and all I can really say is that it’s fitting. Aronofsky obviously had a chance to give it a “Hollywood” ending in which everyone lives happily ever after. Or he also could have played off our feelings, and given it a real “tragic” ending. But Aronofsky doesn’t do either of things. **slight spoilers ahead** Ending the movie ambiguously as he does, shows a clear conscious decision on the director’s part, and it is in fact exactly what the movie needed. **End Spoilers**

In closing, if you haven’t guessed by now, it should be pretty obvious that I have a thing for this movie. Everything from the direction, to the fantastic acting, to the utter realism of the film, to the way it pulls you in, all of it is just simply top notch. It’s film at its best. If you haven’t seen this yet, and you at the very least have a small appreciation for good movies, go see this immediately. I imagine that if Rourke wins Best Actor this movie will get a pretty big increase in publicity, which possibly means more showings in different theaters. Then again, if he doesn’t, I make an oath right now to never watch the Academy Awards ever again.

9.1/10 (seriously, it’s THAT good)

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Well, I guess I finally got around to reviewing something, and what better thing to review than Gears of War 2. For starters I would just like to say that Gears 2 is a solid game, and builds upon everything that Gears of War 1 started. Of course Gears 2 is still not without it’s flaws. Anyway, let’s get into the game some, and I’ll show you my take on it.

First off, like any good game review, the single player mode of the game should be talked about first. Gears 2 follows up the story set by the original Gears pretty nicely. It expands on a lot of things that were simply left to be pondered in GoW 1, adds some new characters, as well as answer some questions that really should have been answered in GoW 1. Overall, the story (as far as shooter games go) is much better than the first Gears, and is surprisingly good for a game of its type. The voice acting is pretty good to boot. The single player campaign mode is of decent length, and seems a bit longer than Gears 1. Overall it should take most players around 8-10 hours to complete on the “hard” difficulty setting.

One thing that really seems to be improved from the first game, is the way the campaign mode is laid out. Instead of just taking each level as if it’s just another mission, the game’s chapter objectives seem to happen almost in real time, as if you were really in that situation. A small gripe I had about the single player that I feel I have to mention is the controls for the vehicle levels. They’re are terrible. Just simply trying to make a basic turn becomes excessively hard. I know it’s not a big thing, but it seems like it’s something that should have been made better. Overall, it gives the game a more real experience, and makes it seem less linear than it really is.

The boss fights in the campaign mode are rather less than stellar, although the sheer amount of new enemies, as well as the size of most new baddies definitely makes up for this. Many new and dangerous opponents await you in Gears 2, which is certainly a step up from the first Gears. Single player campaign overall is a rewarding experience, and should be more than enough to pry a player away from the multiplayer game of Gears 2 (which is a reason why some people may purchase Gears 2 to begin with).

Let’s move onto the multiplayer aspect of the game. As far as the core gameplay goes, not much has been changed from Gears 1. However, EPIC has made enough minor tweaks so as to make the game feel much more like a team based shooter, as opposed to the “run n gun, shot gun fest” that was Gears 1.

Gone is the over powered shot gun, as well as the ridiculous host advantage some players had on live matches. Gears 2 feels much more balanced, and with the addition of a few new weapons, new executions, a lot of new but also good maps (along with the addition of some old favorites), and a few new gametypes, Gears 2 multiplayer is much better than its predessecor, barr a few drawbacks.

Of course those drawbacks do happen to dampen the experience to the degree, most notably the time it takes to find a match in matchmaking. To wait more than 5 minutes to find a match is just ridiculous, and for such an action there really is no excuse. My only hopes that Epic either fixes this very soon, or releases a patch ASAP. Other gripes have to be the extremely noob friendly chainsaw. It seems at times that the weapon caters heavily to new players, and as a result some matches will become nothing but players holding the “B” button. Also, the ability to stick grenades to any surface is certainly a cool feature, but in multiplayer it gets a bit absurd. When you have less than half a second to react to a stickied grenade, it gets a bit frustrating. Assuming at the very least that EPIC will release a patch to fix match making, I will happily live with the rest of these gripes and simply overlook them.

Finally, entirely new to Gears of War is the addition of the Horde mode. In Horde mode, up to five players fight in an onslaught of wave after wave of non stop computer controlled enemies. Truth be told, I have probably had more fun with this game mode than any other in Gears 2. The sheer craziness and excitement of Horde is awesome when your playing with four of your friends. And on tougher levels, the game goes from being hard to ridiculous, and forces you to work as a team, or die alone. This is definitely a nice addition to the game, and will certainly appeal to those who aren’t a big fan of the online versus mode, and more favor the single player or campagin modes.

In conclusion Gears of War 2 is a pretty good game, and except for some minor glitching here and there, awkward vehicle controls, and stupid match making, the game would be close to flawless. But even with those problems aside, Gears 2 is still a must own game for the Xbox 360. If you have any friends on live, or in person that even remotely enjoy a shooter, pick up Gears 2. It’s worth it alone for the Horde mode.

9/ 10

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So apparently I haven’t posted in awhile. Eh. Well, today should more than make up for that. I have a nice special treat for you. Apparently Hollywood will make a movie about anything anymore.
As a result, it seems like Ridley Scott has chosen to base his next movie off of Detroit’s most infamous mayor, Kwame Kilpatrick.

Russel Crowe stars as the hot shot prosecuting attorney trying to put down the corrupt mayor while simultaneously dealing with his own inner demons. Forrest Whitaker also stars in what looks to be yet another Academy Award winning role as Kwame Kilpatrick. Al Pacino plays the supporting role of the cop charged to bring down Kilpatrick who is surrounded by nothing but corrupt policeman. And finally Keanu Reeves stars as Kilpatrick’s right hand man.

Although the movie seems rather loosely based on mayor Kwame Kilpatrick’s actual term in office, it still looks very promising, and with such an allstar class, it definitely seems like a movie you won’t wanna miss.

I managed to get ahold of a teaser trailer for those of you who are interested. I highly suggest you check this out.

For Next Week: A review of Zach and Miri, and Gears of War 2!

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Alright, I got a bit of a treat for you. Since Halloween is just around the corner, and most people will be scrambling to there nearest Blockbuster to rent some scary movies, I decided to put together a list of the top seven scary movies that work great for Halloween parties or get togethers. So sit back, and enjoy.

7. Saw

Nevermind the mediocre sequels, the original Saw is where it’s at. With a chilling plot, interesting story telling, and an ending that will leave you flawed, Saw is one of the most intelligent horror movies I have ever seen. Although it certainly suffers from some bad acting, it more than makes up for it with its gruesome violence, and haunting tone. If you haven’t seen it, I definitely recommend checking it out.

6. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1973)

I think one of the most terrifying things about Texas Chainsaw Massacre is the way the film starts. It begins with a disclaimer stating that the following events are actually real. It seems to be that idea alone that is what gives Chainsaw Massacre some it’s scariness. The whole seems extremely possible, couple that with the creepiness of the deep south and one of the most terrifying sounds imaginable (a chainsaw), and you have one terrifying movie. If you have seen the remakes, you need to see the original, they are of no real comparison.

5. Alien

Possibly Ridley Scott’s masterpiece (next to Gladiator, I guess), Alien is also Sigourney Weaver’s main starring role. The movie blends two different things than terrify a number of people: 1. Enclosed spaces – Most of the movie takes place in a space ship, thus giving the viewer a feeling of being closed in.  2. The Unknown – Nothing is revealed about the Alien, other than his motives which are rather simplistic: kill everything that lives. These things, along with the combination of chilling ambience sound, and pacing that goes from slow to non-stop, makes this movie one of the scariest sci-fi’s of all time.

4. The Evil Dead

Although its sequels tend to verge more on the slap stick/ action sort of genre, the original Evil Dead is certainly a horror movie through and through. Sam Raimi, and cult icon Bruce Campbell, both went into the woods with around a 100 grand to make an epic B-movie horror film. When they emerged, Evil Dead was born, a cult classic, and not to mention a pretty scary movie to boot. Setting is everything in Evil Dead. The story takes place in an old cabin nestled inside a creepy forest. Overall, the movie certainly delivers both excitement and terror, as well as one of film’s most treasured characters, Ash. Oh and let’s not forget the epic, “tree rape” scene.

3. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

George A. Romero is a hero of mine for a number of reasons. One, he is a director that very rarely let’s others control his work, and always listens to what his fans have to say. The other reason would be that he made Night of the Living Dead, and more or less became “The Father of Modern Zombies” as we know it. In Night of the Living Dead, Romero shows us that it doesn’t take lot’s of money, or high tech special effects, or even A-list actors to make a great movie. It just takes an original idea and some raw talent. Night of the Living Dead is still scary to this day, even if it has been more than 40 years since its release. The entire movie is shot in black and white even though color was available at the time, and it really gives the movie a much more creepier atmosphere. A lot of people also don’t know that the main character, Ben, was in fact the first African American cast as a non-ethnic lead in a major motion picture in America, and the first time a black actor had a starring role in a horror film. There really isn’t enough space here to talk about how great this film is. It really is a historic landmark in horror movies. If you haven’t seen it, go see it right now. And don’t rent the crappy colored version! See it the way it’s meant to be watched, in black and white.

2. The Exorcist

Most people consider The Exorcist to be the scariest movie of all time, and after a first watching it’s pretty obvious why. Combined with the overall ultra realism of the film, the numerous disturbing scenes, and the infamous subliminal imaging, this movie scares you on multiple levels. It’s not only physically scary (i.e. makes you jump), but it’s also psychologically scary. I here people talk about this movie all the time, and they all say the same thing: they saw it as a kid, and it has scarred them ever since. It’s hard to believe a movie can even do something like that. It was shocking when it first came out, and it’s still shocking to this day. If you’re gonna watch it, I suggest finding the version that contains the infamous, “spider walk” scene.

1. Halloween (1978)

Possibly my favorite horror movie of all time, Halloween is indeed a classic. Although most consider The Excorcist to be an overall scarier film, Halloween certainly is a more fitting movie when it comes to this list. It’s hard to say exactly what makes this movie so good, but I guess it would be the combination of different elements. The idea that a deranged person could go into a suburb and start killing people is terrifyingly realistic. That coupled with the movie’s attention to detail, and how it takes it’s time increasing the tension until the final scene where everything kind of explodes. Then of course there’s that eerie theme music that no one can forget. Finally, Halloween has one of the greatest villains and horror characters of all time, Michael Meyers. Meyers has no real motives, or ulitmate goal, he just wants to kill people, and we the viewer know so little about him. Maybe that’s why it makes him so creepy. Halloween is historical in the sense that it is the father of modern slasher flicks. Avoid the remake and the sequels (except the second one which is decent), and check out the original for yourself. At the very least it will certainly be a fitting film.

Honorable Mentions: Psycho, The Thing, The Birds, The Hills Have Eyes (1977), The Shining

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Oh god… well, here it is. The review I have been promising for nearly a week. And with it, the return of a Terrible Tuesday review. The movie is of course, Alien vs Hunter, easily one of the absolute worst movies I have ever seen. Hardly anything even comes close to the attrocities this film commits. Any way, here’s the review. Read and enjoy.

Well, there you have it. On first glance it looks vaguely familiar. Hmm. I can’t seem to place my finger where I have seen this picture before though. Oh wait, now I remember!

http://www.dvdtown.com/images/displaymedia.php?id=23182&sizew=500&cat=3&type=1&page=0

Ah, yes. Such a clear rip off indeed. In fact, I can’t help but think that the entire idea of the film was simply to trick people into renting AVH, when they wanted to see AvP. It really seems like they purposefully wanted to model AVH off of Aliens vs Predator. However, this very idea becomes even more laughable when Alien vs Predator was a crappy movie to begin with. So in short, if you thought AvP sucked, you can imagine how much worse AvH is. Yeah. It really is that bad.

Anyway, so the movie starts off with some guy that looks like the politician guy from X-Men and a cop in the desert, and they find an alien spaceship. Basically, an alien comes out and kills the cop. From this point on, the bullcrap has already started. For the next 20 to 25 minutes nothing happens at all. In fact, this is kinda the formula for the rest of the movie. We see an alien for 4-10 seconds, then sit through 30 minutes of pointless dialogue. And let me tell you, the dialogue isn’t only pointless, it’s literally some of the worst writing of all time. It’s so bad that it is hard to physically sit through it.

Eventually we see the hunter guy, or what I guess happens to be the hunter. I really can’t tell at this point and the movie makes sure to not give the viewer any backstory, or information. I guess the best part about the Hunter guy is that he looks like a giant beekeeper. I really don’t understand how a intergalactic bee keeper can fight an alien, but eh. That’s another thing that pisses me off about this movie, the actual characters from the film look NOTHING LIKE THEY DO ON THE STUPID F***ING DVD BOX!!! It’s retarded. Also, they only show the alien for a couple of seconds, and then switch back to something else. It’s almost as if the film director knows the alien looks like a big piece of fecal matter.

At one point in the movie the alien kills some character and then begins to eat him. Later on, they end up reusing the exact same eating footage that was shown previously. Then again. Then again. In fact, they reuse this scene at least four times throughout the entire movie. It’s like they’re not even trying. As far as they’re concerned they already got there money from you, so who cares how bad this movie ended up.

The movie continues to s-l-o-w-l-y build up to its craptacular finale, as the characters (whose names aren’t even worth mentioning) bicker amongst themselves about what to do. Let me tell you right now, the acting in this movie is painful to watch. More than once throughout the film, you can clearly catch actors smile as they are being chased through a forest by the alien. My only guess is that the actors knew how bad this movie was, and couldn’t help but giggle as they watched there entire acting careers get flushed down the toilet. Then again, I don’t think any of these “actors” were really actors to begin with. I have a feeling most of these people just signed onto to do AvH to simply compensate their cocaine and alchohol addictions. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

Eventually at the end of the movie, the Hunter and Alien duke it out, as the stupid humans try to figure out a way to stop the alien. One of the humans ended up getting shot by the Hunter’s laser gun, and immediately vanishes on screen.

Needless to say such an event caused me to pee my pants from laughter. The special effects in this movie are hilariously bad. Finally, one of the human’s manage to kill the alien, and peace is restored.

WARNING POINTLESS SPOILER AHEAD: The final shot of the movie shows the Hunter removing his mask, and it is shown to be a human, who asks what the next mission is. As irrelevent a scene as this is, it leaves the movie up to what can only be described as a possible sequel. Yes, that’s right. A followup to this crap fest may in fact be what the director had in mind.

In the end, what can be said about this movie? Well, quite a lot actually. Words like putrid, God-awful, and excrement come to mind, but AvH still deserves some respect simply because it is so bad that it makes a lot of movies so much better in comparison. Like for example, Starship Troopers has amazing special effects compared to AvH, and The Happening deserves an Academy Award when compared to AvH’s cinematography. And finally 3 Ninjas High Noon at Mega Mountain is the greatest movie of all time when compared to Alien vs Hunter.

With that being said, is Alien vs Hunter the worst movie of all time? Possibly. Should you go see it? Sure, since some one uploaded the whole movie on Youtube, and assuming you a sadist. Is it worth your time? No. You would be better off using your time to do something useful like plotting your grave site, or counting the number of tiles on your bathroom wall.

Crap-O-Meter: -9.5/ 10

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Well, Halloween is just around the corner, so of course that means a new Saw movie will be out soon. In fact, on Friday, October 24th, Saw V will be released in theaters everywhere. So what can we expect from this new Saw installment? Well, to be certain, more of the same. With each Saw installment getting progressively worse, it’s pretty safe to say that expecting an average “gorror” (lol, horror and gore) movie will be about on par with the way the series has been delivering.

Last year’s Saw IV was more or less a disappointment compared to Saw III, but still it wasn’t the worst in the series (that honor belongs to none other than Saw II). But with each entry becoming less and less intelligent compared to the genius (yes, I said genius) of the first Saw, it’s really only a matter of time before the entire series goes into the crapper. Regardless though, this year’s Saw will give viewers what they expect (including myself), some good old fashion gore and violence, along with some cheap scares, and an even cheaper plot twist. You know it’s gonna be bad when the catchphrase for the movie is, “You won’t believe the ending”.

And if that wasn’t the worse case scenario, director Darren Lynn Bousman is NOT directing this film, so I’m afraid to say that the majority of Saw’s creepy atmosphere is certainly at risk with this new sequel. For those of you that are wondering, I managed to stumble across an official, albeit brief plot synopsis: “Hoffman is seemingly the last person alive to carry on the Jigsaw legacy. But when his secret is threatened, Hoffman must go on the hunt to eliminate all loose ends.”

My predictions: (possible spoilers ahead) At the end of the movie it is revealed that John (Tobin Bell), is in fact not Jigsaw, and was simply a pawn in a much larger game, OR that John is in fact not dead at all. It’s also been revealed that Danny Glover (he played Detective Tapp in the first film) will be in this film in one way or another.

(end spoilers)

Either way though I’m sure the theaters will be packed for the upcoming film. If you’re a fan of the series like I am, be sure you check it out this weekend. If you’re not, look for my review which should be up some time next week.

Tomorrow – AVH!!!

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In the words of Keanu Reeves, “Whoa”, it’s an actual review! Yes, after a bit of a hiatus from doing almost no posting, I am back to post once in awhile yet again. Horray. Well, today I have a bit of a treat. I am going to review a haunted house I went to on Saturday. So with that being said, if you are planning to go this haunt, then I suggest you scroll to the end and avoid some of the spoilers, as it will certainly make your trip less exciting. Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we.

So there it is. Erebus in Pontiac, the world famous (supposedly) 4 story haunted house. And in case you were wondering, yes the line was that long, and yes it ended up wrapping around the building and went on for almost another two blocks. I guess if I had to sum up my entire experience there it would be “mostly disappointing”, but that’s not to say that I had a bad time. Well, let me just tell you some of my experience and maybe you will get what I am trying to say.

First off, it should be known that Erebus is rated in a number of haunted house magazines (yes, those really exist) and online sites as one of the top ten haunted attractions in the U.S. Also, it’s even supposedly in the Guiness Book of Records for being the largest haunted house in the world. So, naturally I had decently high expectations. To make matters worse, me and my friends had been planning to visit there ever since we heard about it (nearly two years ago). Lastly, since the place is in Pontiac, I had to drive easily an hour and a half to get there.

So, I eventually made it to Erebus, and after paying three dollars for parking I then proceeded to wait in line for a good hour- hour and a half. Now, I figured that there would be waiting, so I’m not really complaining about that. While waiting in line, every now and then a worker dressed up as zombie would walk in and out of the line, scaring random people. It made the line move faster, and the zombie looked incredibly detailed. I figured this was just a look at things to come. Once you get to the front of the building, a giant spider hangs over head, along with a hanging, upside down lifelike dummy, who seems to be struggling to get down. It certainly gave off an eerie feeling, and everyone in my party got a chilling sense in there spines. So far it was looking like this place was going to be pretty creepy.

Once we got inside we ended up having to wait in another line. And then another. And then another. Basically, we were waiting in a line, within a line. Eventually, after another twenty minutes of waiting we were finally in the actual haunted house. The beginning of the fright was actually pretty cool. They locked everyone in these little rooms, and took some time to build up the tension, then finally let everyone out.

At first most of the rooms seemed decently decorated, and some what convincing. But then over time, the rooms began to look more and more dull. Eventually it just got to the point where they were just gray rooms, with a person waiting to jump out in front of you. In fact, that’s easily the worst part about Erebus, the actors are pretty terrible. And to make matters worse, all of them wore the exact same black hooded cloak, and literally every person in there was black. I’m not even joking here. Every “scarer” was seriously African American. But I really cannot stress this point enough: the fact that none of them were even dressed up like ghouls or monsters, really detracted from the entire event. It made the whole thing feel like the workers and owners weren’t even really trying. Also, the way they tried to scare you was pretty upsetting. All they really did was just wait around for you to turn the corner, and then they would jump out at you. It got really predictable. It seriously went something like this: *walk forward, turn around corner* “YARRGH, I’M GONNA GET YA!” *walk away, turn around corner* “GET OUT OF HERE!!!” *walk forward, turn left, then turn around corner* “HEY! I’M GONNA EAT YOUR BRAINS!” Pathetic.

And now that I think about it, why was everyone so poorly dressed up? The zombie guy at the entrance looked awesome, so why didn’t everyone at least look as good as that guy? I guess I know the answer already, but it kinda makes me mad: It’s pretty simple really, the business owners know that once you are inside they have your money, and it really doesn’t matter to them how much you end up enjoying your experience there. Honestly, I kinda feel this was the whole mentality of the entire haunted house.

Now that’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy myself there, I did. Erebus still had some sweet rooms, and some even cooler animatronic type robots. However, for the most part, Erebus really lacked a straight up scare the crap out of you factor. And unfortunately, that’s really the main reason most people go to haunted houses. Erebus really seemed more like a fun house with a scary theme attached on. Another thing that kinda bothered me was the length of the house. I was in there for a good 30 minutes or so, but a good half of that really just felt like aimless walking from one room to another. And on top of that, Erebus’ music/ sound sucks! It’s pretty much non-existant, which is certainly something that really detracts from the scared/ alarmed sense of feeling.

So overall, was it worth my 20 dollar admission fee? Well, to be honest, it was and it wasn’t. It was in the sense that I still had fun, and I can finally say I got to go to Erebus. At the same time however, I didn’t ever once get scared, and I could probably have had the same amount of fun at a crappier/ cheaper haunted house instead.

Regardless though, if you happen to be a haunted house aficionado, you still definitely need to check out Erebus. It really is a good sized haunt (I think it took me at least 30 minutes to get through it, although I had expected it to be a bit longer). However, if you are looking for more bang for your buck, you may want to consider other and possibly better options.

6/10

Next week – AVH!!!

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After a pretty long break, and a lackluster second season, Heroes is finally back and seems to be pretty close to its original level of greatness. Although, that’s not to say that the two new episodes are entirely without fault. I guess I should warn you that I’m gonna be giving away a few spoilers, so if you don’t want them ruined for you, I suggest you stop reading this article. If you have seen the episdoes, or you have realized that by now Heroes is a pretty predictable show, and it’s hard for there to be any real surprises, then I urge you to read on friend.

When we last left our “Heroes”, Nathan had just been shot before he was able to announce to everyone that people with super human abilities existed. Also, the overly dramatic, yet tolerable viallain Sylar had just gained his powers back. Well, needless to say season three certainly starts off with a rather shocking beginning.

I’ll be the first to say it. Making Future Peter Nathan’s shooter is pretty original, and certainly interesting. However, half way through the episode I ended up getting pretty mad when Nathan came back to life. Then I got even more upset when I saw Linderman alive. Seriously, do people ever die and actually STAY dead in this show? Eh, oh well.

Sylar going after Claire was certainly interesting. For a second there I was almost beginning to wonder if she was actually going to die. Especially when her entire head comes off. Wait… What? Her entire head actually comes off, and she’s still alive?!?! WTF! THIS SHOW GOES AGAINST ITS OWN RULES! How many times have we heard before that for one of those healer types that if you cut off the head, they can’t come back to life! Well, apparently this doesn’t apply to Claire. As Sylar put it, “She’s special”. Yeah, special. Special as in that’s retarded.

The whole Suresh thing, and him gaining powers at the end, all I can say is that I clearly saw this coming. It’s really starting to get annoying that they can’t have a character who doesn’t have powers (with the exception of Mr. Bennet, who I think is one of the most well written characters). Anyway, the way it’s looking is that Suresh will most likely be a villain by the end of this season. Count on it.

The last scene with Hiro and Ando were certainly in my opinion, the best in the whole episode. I have been hoping that some sort of feud would come between the two, and then to actually see Ando get powers! Wow. Awesome. I can’t wait to see how they set this one up.

Episode two was probably the weaker of the two, but still a decent episode none the less. I’m finally glad to see Claire trying to actually do something for once, instead of just run away and cry. The whole Suresh and Maya thing seemed completely random, but did make me lol a bit.  Honestly, I’m kind of glad Matt is lost in a desert some where in Africa. His character has really been vexing to me since season two.

So there’s Nathan and Linderman again. That’s kinda weird that Nikki, I mean Jessica, err… Tracy doesn’t see him. Huh, neither does the nurse. Wait? What did he just say? Only Nathan can? OH YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! Well… on the bright side at least he isn’t back from the dead.

Alright! That whore Elle is finally gonna get what’s coming to her! Yeah, cut her head open Sylar! Yeah! Yeaaa… wha? Did she just explode? Wait. Is she still alive? SHE IS!!! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!??! SHE HAD A GASH HALF WAY ACROSS HER WHOLE HEAD!!! WHY DOES NO ONE DIE IN THIS SHOOOW!!!

Ahem. Sorry about that. But seriously. It seems like almost nobody actually dies, or at least stays dead. That is except for DL, who was black. Oh, and Alejandro who was Mexican. Then of course Isaac Mendez, who was also Hispanic… wait a minute… OH MY GOD, HEROES IS RACIST!

Heh. Well, with that aside, episode two ends on a rather interesting note. Can’t say I didn’t entirely see something like this coming, but regardless it should make things rather interesting. All in all, it looks like Heroes finally might be off to a good start.

“The Second Coming (ep 1)” : 7.9 / 10

“The Butterfly Effect (ep 2)”: 7.0/ 10

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