The Cynical Critic

Just last Saturday I went to the movies to see a new flick. Reluctantly, I decided on checking out the new Chronicles of Narnia movie. To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of the first. As usual, Disney had toned down a lot of the action/ adventure in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, and to be honest I figured they would do the same thing with Prince Caspian. To my surprise however, I was wrong.

For the most part, the first Narnia movie suffered from a number of issues. Number one, the acting was a bit unbearable at times. I think the movie really seem to suffer from it’s lack of experienced actors, and possibly even it’s “PG” rating. It’s really hard for me to take a movie serious that will absolutely go out of it’s way to show some one get killed, and that’s exactly what the first Narnia did.

Prince Caspian on the other hand, is a borderline PG-13 movie, that some how got away with it being PG (probably because most of the violence/ death is related to mystical beasts being killed, and not humans). While I am on this point, I might as well come out and say it, the battles in Prince Caspian are seriously awesome. The movie itself is two and a half hours long, but with the exception of the very beginning, it moves fast. Throughout the majority of the movie there are constant skirmishes, struggles, and all out battles. A couple of the fight scenes (one in particular) are extremely well coreographed, and considering the movies PG rating, are comparable to epic battles scene in movies like Brave Heart, and Lord of the Rings. Honestly, they really impressed me that much.

Another large improvement from the last movie has to be the acting. I was actually surprised at the number of emotionally powered scenes their were in this movie that really seemed to have my attention. Once again the visuals are top notch in Prince Caspian, as well as the landscapes. I don’t know if it’s the filming, or different location this time around, but Narnia definitely feels much more like a huge fantasy world than it did before.

Overall, Prince Caspian is definitely a film worth considering. If you are a fan of the Narnia series, then chances are you have already checked it out. If not, but you are still looking for something to hold you off till the new Indiana Jones movie, then I suggest checking this out. At the very least it’s worth a rental for the battles alone.

6.9/ 10

I know it is rather soon to even be mentioning this film, but they finally released a new trailer for it. Honestly, I don’t think I have to say too much about this movie. Literally everyone is psyched about it. All the hype concerning Heath’s death is sure to make this a sellout box office weekend. On top of that, it looks like it’s gonna be the most anticipated summer release.

Anyway, come July 18th at 12:01 A.M., I plan on dressing up as Batman and attending what looks to be the most exciting movie this year.

Heres the new trailer in case you still haven’t seen it yet.

For the next couple of weeks I will be previewing a number of movies that will be opening over the coming summer. The warm weather is finally upon us, and with that comes an untold amount of movies that could possibly end up being worth paying the price of admission. I plan on previewing the movies that I feel have the greatest chance to do well, and also the ones that will most likely appeal to the masses. Let’s get started.

In case you have been hiding under a rock for the past 20 years or so, it has been nearly two decades since the last Indiana Jones movie. Currently however, it seems to be a growing trend to make sequels to movies which were presumed finished (I.E. Rocky Balboa, John Rambo, the new Star Wars Trilogy). Of course an Indiana Jones sequel has been talked about for as long as I can remember. I always assumed it was nothing more than rumors, but now it seems evidently clear that I was quite wrong.

With a release date just around the corner (May 22nd), we will know soon enough if Harrison Ford has what it takes to still play the part of the beloved Dr. Jones. Starring along side of him is up and coming actor, Shia LaBeouf, and returning actress and former love interest of Raiders, Karen Allen. Personally, I think it’s awesome that Allen is on cast for this movie. I thought she was terrific in Raiders, and I’m sure she will continue to deliver in the Crystal Skull.

It’s been widely debated by many fans as to what role LaBeouf will be playing the Crystal Skull. Some believe he will simply be playing the part of Indy’s sidekick (much like Short Round in Temple), but others (including myself) feel that he may be in the movie as Indy’s protege (which would mean more sequels).

Honestly, I cringe at the very thought of this happening. Having Indiana Jones without Harrison Ford really feels wrong in my opinion. Of course all of this is pure speculation, but I have the distinct feeling that by the end of the movie we are going to see Shia end up taking on a part of what Jones has done for so long. I even feel that it’s possible in true Hollywood like fashion, they may have a closing scene where Indy ends up giving LaBeouf’s character his trademark hat. Go ahead and quote me on that.

Regardless though, The Crystal Skull should prove to be at the very least, a great watching experience. The entire production crew is supposedly back for work, and both Spieldberg and Lucas have been doing a great job keeping the entire plot of the movie a secret (their is close to no information about this movie online). Whether it’s an awesome movie and a great finish to a fantastic series, or it’s a complete let down and a start up for a barrage of sequels, Crystal Skulls is definitely a movie that demands your attention, and quite possibly your money for admittance.

Alright, I got a nice little review for those of you out there that are interested. Today I’ll be taking a look at the movie, “Lars and the Real Girl”. Surprisingly, I ended up liking this movie quite a bit. Anyway, let’s get started and take a look at this film.

Ryan Gosling (The Notebook, Fracture) stars in this semi-sweet comedy about a man who finds love within a plastic cased “love doll”. Emily Mortimer plays the part of the lead actress, and Lars’ sister in law. She gives a stirring performance throughout most of the film, as does Gosling. More on this later.
The movie starts off with letting the viewer get a taste of Lars’ character. On first glance he seems like the normal person. He lives next door to his brother and sister in law, has an office job, and goes to church on Sunday. For the most part, Lars seems to be a quiet fellow who keeps to himself. Eventually, Lars finds out about a site where he can create his own “woman”, and has one shipped to his house.

After his new girlfriend arrives, Lars brings her over to his brother’s house, and at first they are quite shocked with Lars’ new girl. Eventually, they end up going along with it on doctor’s orders, and so does the rest of the town, thus is the basic premise of the movie.

The movie itself seems to be broken up into two halves. The first half, seems to deal with Lars’ “problem” rather lightly, and a number of laughs arise from this. The majority of the comedy often comes from awkward or silent moments, when certain characters don’t know how to react to Bianca (the name of the doll). Also, more laughs generally arrive as the townspeople become more and more accepted with Bianca, and as a result she basically becomes a part of every one’s life. Now, it should be mentioned that the comedy in this movie isn’t the type of comedy you may find in say a movie like Borat, or an Adam Sandler type film. It’s definitely a type of comedy that you have to watch for to actually laugh at, and even then you may not find it all that funny. Regardless, I did find this movie to be rather humorous.

The other half of the movie seems to be much more emotional, and really fairs more on the side of a Drama rather than a Comedy type movie. As Lars condition seems to grow worse, the viewer really gets a look at the type of person he is, and as a result it creates an emotional bond between the two. At this point, the movie really tries to focus on bringing out level of connection the characters in the movie seem to have, which in my opinion, works quite well. This half of the movie really seems to pull the viewer in, as well as possibly tug on their heart strings.

I guess while we are discussing the characters, now would be a good time to talk about the acting in this film. Gosling’s performance, to say the least, is well, great. It really is. He ended up getting an Academy Award nomination for it, which is fair, to say the least. He truly plays the part of some one who has some serious mental issues very well. He also does a great job of convincing the viewer that “Bianca” is actually alive. In fact, their are a number of powerful scenes where he is talking to her, that it almost seems like she is actually human.

Emily Mortimer’s acting is in this flick is also something not to be sneered at. She gives a great performance playing the part of the caregiver/ person concerned about Lars. I also feel that the chemistry between Mortimer and Gosling works quite well. Their are a number of scenes with them together that are down right powerful. Overall, she makes her character extremely real.

In the end, Lars and the Real Girl is a funny, albeit emotionally powerful movie, that truly shines with the addition of some great acting. If you are a fan of Ryan Gosling, or if you are at least just halfway interested in seeing what would happen if some one decided to date a sex doll, then I suggest checking this film out. Either way, Lars and the Real Girl is a really good movie, and it deserves credit for Gosling’s excellent performance.

7.8/10

Editor’s Note: I was mistaken about Gosling being nominated for his performance. The film was nominated for an Oscar, but it was for screenplay, not Ryan’s acting. I apologize for this mistake. On a side note, it seriously pisses me off that Gosling went unnoticed in his performance in this movie…

A couple of things first: Sorry for the lack of posts this past week. I have been really tired lately, and I have been struggling with things to review or look at (I haven’t been to the movies in months, and I have hardly had any time to rent stuff as well). On top of that, I haven’t played a new game in quite some time. Finally, I haven’t either bothered with new music. Basically, my life is pretty boring right now. But I’m sure you could careless about my piss poor excuses as to why I don’t bother writing. So, because of that, here’s a quick review of a movie I happened to catch over the weekend. Yay.

Dan In Real Life stars Steve Carell who plays a single parent struggling to raise his three daughters. Carell eventually takes his daughters to visit his parents as well as his family, where by strange luck he meets a girl. He falls for her, and it seems she feels the same, but their time is cut short as she gets a call from her boyfriend and she then leaves.  Later, Steve arrives at his parents cabin where his brother (played by Dane Cook) arrives with his girlfriend, who happens to be the same girl Carell had met earlier.

Although the movie certainly isn’t an Oscar winner or anything of that sort (nor was it meant to be), Dan In Real Life is still a decent comedy. Carell really seems to have found his role playing the part of just the average type guy. Dane Cook is definitely better in this film than his previous movie endeavours (Good Luck Chuck, and Employee of the Month). Cook is an actor who fairs much better as a supporting actor, as oppose to one where he plays the star role. Regardless, he plays the part of the younger, cool, hip brother, who you kind of want to hate.
Juliet Binoche also plays her part well as the main actress, and love interest for Carell.

Dan In Real Life isn’t necessarily one of those movies that will have you gasping for air because of it’s humor, but it certainly does have it’s funny parts. In a lot of ways I found this movie a lot like Meet the Parents, in the sense that a number of things consistently go wrong for the protagonist, but everything ends up working out in the end. Also, the humor in this movie is quite similar to Meet the Parents as well (which is a good thing). Regardless, it’s definitely better than Meet the Fockers.

Overall, Dan In Real Life is a decent, humorous comedy, and for what it lacks in over the top “LOL” moments, it more than makes up for it’s warm and charming characteristics.

6.5/10

So some time last week one of my friends had been telling me about this movie he saw on cable. He told me that it looked like one of the worst movies he had ever seen. So naturally, it had become my duty to make sure I saw this film. The following review is an obvious film candidate for “Terrible Tuesday”, and unlike most reviews where I try to keep my final judgment to the end, their really is no way of getting around it with this movie. It sucks. Honestly. It’s horrible. No. It’s worse than horrible. It’s (and this is a word I rarely use) atrocious. It literally is a bane on the human race. So if that’s enough info for you, then I suggest you stop reading right now and save yourself the pain and misery I had to suffer. If you really don’t want your day ruined, just click on the little x at the top right hand of this window, and continue going on with the rest of your life.

However, if for some reason you are into cruel and unusual punishment, if by chance you really enjoy self mutilation, or if “S&M” is your thing (don’t worry though, thats not what this movie is about), then I guess you may want to continue reading. But don’t you dare say I never warned you.

Continuing on now for those of you that are truly brave, let me first tell you the title ad director of the movie before you decide to go any further. The movie was directed AND written by Jean Claude Van Damme. No, that’s not a typo. No, I haven’t lost my insanity (yet). This movie was literally written, directed, and acted out by Jean Claude Van Damme. He more or less did everything himself. Are you scared yet? Wait it gets better. Let me tell you the title of this film. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is:

THE QUEST

Yeah. Thats right. The name of the movie is The Quest. Seriously. This is quite possibly the most generic movie title ever conceived. Honestly, they could have just named the movie “fighting guy” and it probably would have been better. Or better yet, they could have just called it “MOVIE”. At least that way it would most likely get overlooked. So then, how are you doing? Are you still hanging in there? I’m guessing right about now that escape button on your keyboard is looking real nice. But if you do decide to stick it out, let’s continue. Here, let’s take a look at the movie poster for this film.

Wow. Yeah. I’m more or less speechless right now.

It says Go the Distance. Ok, I’m gonna go the distance. The distance to the rental store to take this piece of crap back.

So then, since you have allowed your eyes to see this horrible image, we might as well continue with the rest of this movie. The film starts out in a bar. An aged man orders a drink and sits down. Soon after a couple of extremely cliche’d “hoodlum” type guys walk in. They are classically dressed in both black leather and chains, and as if that wasn’t enough the leader guy is armed with a switchblade. Oh goody. Anyway, the three guys threaten the bartender, but are then stopped by the old guy, who is revealed to be Van Damme. The bartender asks where he learned to fight like that but Van Damme doesn’t answer. Cue the title screen. Yay.

The movie jumps back to 1925 (WTF), and shows a Van Damme who is a pickpocket and steals money to give to his “kids”. He is chased by the police while running through town on a pair of stilts, and eventually he stows away on a ship with some pirates. The pirates find him, but he is rescue by Roger Moore (the guy who played James Bond) and is then stranded on an island and force to learn Muay Thai. And just for clarification, I didn’t make any of that up. That is literally the actual first 45 minutes of the film.
Around this time what can only be described as a flashback occurs. At least I think it’s a flashback. It’s a completely different scene than from what was happening before. The scene depicts a boy and his mother sitting on a park. The boy picks up a piece of paper, and then the scene is over. It lasts about fifteen seconds.

After this, Van Damme escapes the island and meets Peter Moore again. Van Damme is obviously pissed, but Peter Moore tells him about this fighting tournament where the grand prize is a “Golden dragon, made out of gold.” Yes. That is an actual line from the movie. A Golden dragon made out of… gold. So Van Damme agrees, and they head off for the tournament. What follows is a good ten minutes of people riding on elephants, donkeys, horses, people walking up hill, people walking down hill, people crossing streams, and people walking through forests. Needless to say, one could leave, make a hot pocket, eat it, come back and they still wouldn’t had missed anything.

Eventually they get to the tournament and it is full of cliche’d fighters. Their is a guy from Germany who looks remarkably just like a Nazi even though Nazis didn’t exist yet. Their is a fat guy, who presumably plays the role of the sumo wrestler. Their is a Jamaican guy who break dance fights. Yeah. Then their is a little Chinese guy who fights like a monkey. Cool. Finally, their is a Scottish guy who fights in a kilt, and the main bad guy, some huge dude from Mongolia. As you can see, the cast is quite diverse.

Anyway, to make this as painless as possible, Van Damme fights a bunch of these guys, and ends up winning. He then takes on the Mongolian guy who as literally crushed everyone in his way. He loses pretty bad at first, but then for no real reason comes back and wins. At first I didn’t really realize this was the last fight, because the movie must have decided that it wasn’t a good idea to lead up to it at all. After the fight was over the next scene was another flashback of the little boy and his mother. This time the boy crumples up a piece of paper and the scene ends. The movie then goes straight to the credits.

Ok, so basically at this point I am just sitting their with this look on my face as if to say “WTF.” During the time of the flashback scene I was expecting something to happen. But then it was over. So then I thought, “Oh, I bet they are gonna explain it’s relevance to the story that just happened.” Instead, immediately after that scene the credits begin to roll. I just sat there, confused and puzzled. Until finally it dawned upon me:

The flashback scenes have absolutely no purpose to them whatsoever. They are entirely, pointless.

Aside from that their isn’t a whole lot about the movie to be said. As you may have read the plot is basically horrendous. I guess I should mention that this movie has the distinction of having quite possibly the worst soundtrack I have ever heard. At certain points in the movie I felt like shoving dull butter knives into both my ears. It really is that bad.

I give this film a 7.5 on the crap-o-meter. If you are really looking for a terrible film, this may suit your wants. Finally, if you really don’t believe anything I just said, take a look at this movies trailer. If you don’t at least chuckle at just how bad it is, then congratulations, because you sir are either dead or a robot.

Well. Here we are. It’s a Tuesday, and apparently it’s time for a blog entry. However, today is a bit different than normal. Since it is a Tuesday, that can only mean one thing: a crappy review. Yes, that’s right. Tuesdays, will now be known rather as “Terrible Tuesdays” in which I choose a movie/ game/ album at random, that for the most part is either overrated, over hyped, or just lain bad, and rip it to shreds for your enjoyment.

So then, now that we have the little introduction out of the way, what is to be the first movie to be reviewed on this less than perfect day? Hmm… Ah…. I know….

Eventually May rolled around and for the most part, the reviews were pretty shocking. Nearly every movie critic worth a thing all reviewed Troy pretty poorly. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it also flopped pretty bad on it’s opening weekend, scoring less than 50 million (as opposed to it’s ridiculous 180 million production total). For the most part all of the hype seemed to be utter crap, and as for myself I had lost much of the interest I originally had in it. As a result, I simply waited for it to come out on DVD. In hindsight, I am definitely glad I waited.

Finally, Troy was released on DVD at which point I went out and rented it. At first it didn’t really seem that bad. Sure, Troy seems like it doesn’t follow Homer’s stories at all. Sure, Orlando Bloom’s character was obnoxiously horrible. Sure, his acting is quite possibly horrendous, but at least I get to see Brad Pitt kill some guys. That’s cool right? … Right?
Oh God, I had no idea what was still to come.

So then about a fourth way into the movie (after Achilles takes the beach, and Agmamenon’s forces have arrived) I begin noticing something. Every time Brad Pitt says something, it kinda makes me mad. In fact, I kind of begin to notice that with Bloom’s character too. As I sit there and listen to Brad Pitt go on about how he’s not really on anyone’s side, and yet he clearly fights for one of the sides, I begin to realize why I hate it when he talks.

Brad Pitt is literally portraying Achilles as a royal a** hole. Seriously. Just looking at some of his quotes are making me mad right now.

“I want what all men want, I just want it more. You don’t need to fear me girl, you’re the only Trojan who can say that.”
“You won’t have eyes tonight. You won’t have ears or a tongue. you will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector: the fool who thought he killed Achilles.”
“Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I understand a good character is suppose to invoke emotions in it’s readers/ viewers, but these are entirely the WRONG emotions being invoked for some one who is identified as being the main character. Not only do I hate Achilles at this point, I very much want to see him get whats coming to him. So thereby instead of rooting for main character at this point, I am doing the very opposite. I feel this is a prime example of bad writing, or at least bad directing. That being said, I think it’s fine to have Pitt play Achilles in the way that he did, however do NOT make him the main focus in the movie.

Another pretty big gripe I had with this movie was Bloom’s character. Now, I’d like to think he portrayed Paris fairly accurate, but it’s simply the fact that his acting is found to be quite lacking. I found that most of the characters were pretty cliche’d by the end of the movie, but Paris exceeded all of the other character exponentially. Some of his lines are downright laughable, especially the ones when he is talking to Helen, “I’ll hunt deer and rabbit, we can live off the land!”. Simply pathetic.

Other problems I saw with this movie were the camera shots and angles. It should be pretty much understood by now that when you have a movie with MASSIVE landscapes, and MASSIVE armies using long swooping shots to let the viewer get the full picture are a must. Too bad Troy doesn’t really do this at all. Instead, we the viewer never really get the big picture, and as a result everything feels scale down.

An element in this movie that severely pisses me off, is the unnecessary addition of the relationship between Achilles and Briseis. I really hate the fact that Achilles throughout the entire filmed is portrayed as cold merciless killer, but then by chance he meets Briseis, and suddenly she seems to change him over night. This entire addition is almost laughable, and really gives the movie a “cheesy Hollywood” feel. It almost seems like in order to appeal to a wider crowd, the relationship between Briseis and Achilles was added. This accounts for just one of the many, cliche’d and “Hollywood-ized” aspects of this film.

In the end I was happy Troy was over, and as a result felt that I had wasted two hours of my life.

Overall, Troy isn’t a terrible movie, but it certainly fails to deliver. That being said, for something that promised so much, and could have truly blown everyone away, we were instead left with a generic, cheesy, overall shallow movie, that really leaves you feeling empty and kinda mad.

I give Troy a 6 on the Crap-0-Meter (the higher the number, the worse the film is).