The Cynical Critic

So the new Rambo is finally out on DVD, and I got a chance to watch it the other day. And what can I say about it other than that it is an old school, action movie, that really lives up to the series, and in a lot of ways is better than its predecessors. Anyway, I’ll take a quick look at the film, and talk about it for a bit.

Rambo, Rambo IV, or as it is know else where in the world, “John Rambo”, is yet another film that proves Sly has still got it. With a ridiculous amount of violence and gore, Stallone purposely decided he wanted to show the “gut wrenching” side of war.

Through a series of flashbacks and internal thoughts, Stallone manages to give us a look inside the mind of Rambo, and as a result, gives Rambo the most character depth he has had since the very first film, “First Blood”. In fact, I would even go as far to say that their is more character expansion in this film, than all of the past films.

Obviously, the best part of the film has to be the fast paced action, and over the top violence factor. Everything from heads exploding, to limbs being hacked off, to people being cut in half, Rambo IV is definitely a movie aimed at a male oriented audience. However, Stallone manages to give his audience a homage of sorts to the old, action flicks of the eighties, by strictly having all the action on-screen being done by stunt men and pyro technicians. Yes, that’s right. Possibly the best part of Rambo is the small to almost no use of CGI in the entire film. Something that recent action films (Yes, Live Free or Die Hard, I am pointing at you) have really strayed away from, and as a result have felt “cheapened” compared to their predecessors.

As Stallone reprises his role as “the man who cannot be stopped”, he gives us a more cynical, and possibly colder version of Rambo than we have ever seen before. As a result of this, Stallone once again shows that his age has little effect on his overall abilities.

On a personal level, I enjoyed Rambo, almost as much as I did Rocky Balboa for much of the same reasons. I respect Stallone alone for the fact that he continues to make movies/sequels almost entirely for the devoted fans of the respected series. On top of that, Rambo IV did so well that Sly has already begun working on a fifth (and possibly final) installment of the series.

Overall, Rambo IV isn’t exactly a movie that will win any awards, nor will it leave it’s viewers with thought provoking questions, and certainly it’s dialog has a “meh” factor to it, but ultimately Rambo IV is a movie that truly lives up to its series. Offering non-stop action, cool looking effects, and a return to old school action movies, Rambo IV is definitely worth checking out for those of you who are interested in that sort of thing. At the very least this movie deserves recognition for showing that Stallone, more than 60 years old now, has still got all the stuff he had thirty years ago.

6.7/ 10

Good God. So, last Saturday me and some friends went and saw The Happening. In case you didn’t know, The Happening is M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest film, and has been broadcast as being “his first R rated movie.” Anyway, if you don’t feel like reading anymore of this review, you might as well know now it’s a Tuesday and I happen to be reviewing it. So yes, it’s terrible. If you are wondering if you should see it, don’t. But if you are curious enough to see just how bad it is, continue reading on, if you dare.

About four months ago when no one knew what this movie was about I was pretty excited for its release. The last M. Night movie was definitely a let down, and so I assumed he was going to be trying harder this time around. What a joke that turned out to be. It seems almost like M. Night didn’t want you to know what the movie was about because if you did, their was a good chance you wouldn’t be watching it in theaters.

Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we. First things first. Let’s talk about the acting. If you’re wondering if it is as bad as you have heard, let me tell you: it is. Honestly, it’s some of the worst acting I have ever seen. And that is hard for me to say, because generally I think Marky Mark is a pretty decent B-list actor. But not in this. Not at all. You know the acting is horrible when there is a scene in the movie that involves people a few hundred yards away from you being shot in the head, and you’re only reaction to them blowing out their brains is a quiet: “Oh no.” Seriously.

Other horrendously acted scenes include
the old lady threatening that Marky Mark is going to kill her, and he replies, “What? No…!”, as well as Marky Mark conversing with a plastic plant. Honestly, the acting is terrible, and the dialogue is much worse, if that’s even possible.

I guess possibly the next worse thing about this movie has to be the plot and storyline. In case you aren’t aware yet, the entire movie is more or less about plants emitting toxins that cause people to kill themselves. Yep. The main villain in this movie are trees and bushes. Oh, and let’s not forget the wind. The wind apparently carries the toxin, so there is one especially hilarious scene where the wind picks up and the characters actually begin to try and outrun the scene. It’s absurd, ridiculous, and stupid, all the while it is making you feel like an idiot for even possibly considering this movie was meant to be taken seriously.

Aside from an absolutely retarded plot, the movie itself suffers from what can only be described as on film ADD. It jumps around from scene to scene, going out of its way just to reveal completely pointless scenes that have absolutely no bearing on the film at all. It really seems as if M Night just threw in a bunch of crap to make the movie 90 minutes long. Which is ironic, because about thirty minutes in I was checking my watch every 10 minutes, hoping the film was near it’s end. In fact it got so bad at one point that I was sure the movie was just about over, but to my chagrin, I was only 45 minutes into it. But back to my point about the scenes, not only are they entirely pointless, they completely destroy any mood or tension this film might have established at one point. It pretty much desensitizes the audience and makes the film feel more like a comedy or spoof film, than an actual thriller movie.

In fact, The Happening is so bad that it truly does feel like a comedy at times. It feels like a dumber version of Snakes on a Plane. Now me personally, if the movie was originally trying to go for that “cheap B movie” feel, then I would be perfectly fine with it, and I would enjoy it for what it is. But honestly, I don’t think that’s what M. Night was going for. He specifically tries to make a point in the film, and ultimately underestimates the audience’s IQ level and thereby rams his political messages down our throats until we are forced to understand what it is he is trying to say. As a result, it makes a movie that could have been just humorous film, and turns it into a wanna be serious, political backwash atrocity of a film.

In closing, The Happening is hands down the worse film I have ever seen in a theater. That’s saying a lot. That’s saying it’s worse than TMNT 3, Power Rangers: The Movie, Texas Chainsaw Beginnings, and the Poke’mon movie. So if you still aren’t convinced by now, do yourself a favor. Find it online some where, and watch the first couple of minutes. Chances are by then, you will have had enough, and will be glad you can spend your 8.50 on something else, like toilet paper, or socks.

I give this crap-fest a 8.0 on the Crap-O-Meter. I think this might just be a candidate for worst movie of the year…

Well, it’s a Tuesday so you know what that means. Yup, time for a Terrible Tuesday review. As usual I will sift through the garbage so you don’t have to. Last weekend some one recommended a movie to me and my girl friend, and since she wasn’t in the mood for high quality film (I had There Will Be Blood picked out), we decided to settle on the recommendation. But let me tell you how disappointed I was about this total crap fest of a movie titled “Stay”.

Okay, so let me say that at first I was at least interested in this film. Ryan Gosling stars in it, and needless to say he is quite the talented actor. Also starring is Ewan McGregor who has his moments from time to time, along with the attractive Naomi watts. Any way, the basic plot of the movie is that Ewan is a psychiatrist who meets a sociopath (Gosling) intent on killing himself on his 21st birthday at 7 o’clock. McGregor, is then intent on trying to save Gosling, and help him with whatever it is he is going through. Watts plays Ewan’s supportive (and some times unsupportive) wife. Along the way, Gosling’s character becomes more and more deep as he begins to show almost super natural powers, as he heals people, and begins to have visions of the future, thus adding to the suspense and overall heightened sense of expectation for the way the movie will end.

The movie tends to suffer from a severe case of what I like to call, “Indie Fever”. What I mean by that is that the movie tries so hard to be different from the average mainstream movie, it implores many different techniques of cinematography throughout the entire film. Now, ordinarily I love it when directors try to do different things when it comes to how the film is show, but this movie is just ridiculous. Take for example the movies Requiem For a Dream, or Momento, both of those movies have incredibly unique ways of showing the viewer what’s happening, without getting carried away. However, with the movie Stay, the director just doesn’t choose one style of filming and stay with it, he instead uses easily over 40 different camera techniques that really just start to give the viewer a headache. Things like filming entire scenes backwards by pointing the camera at a mirror which a character happens to be looking at, to having every scene some how transition into another really just starts to get irritating after awhile.

The acting in Stay is actually pretty good, and is most likely the best thing about the entire film. Honestly, I don’t really have too much to say about it for good or for bad.

I guess now is the time to talk about the worst part of this movie, and the biggest reason why this film is really a pile of poo. As I stated above earlier, the movie takes a number of suspenseful turns, and like most suspense/ thriller movies, presents the viewer with a number of questions that you expect to be answered by the end of the movie. Questions like, “How can Gosling’s character heal people?” and “How can he predict the future?”, and “Why is his name appearing on art work that Naomi Watts did?” and of course, “Why does he want to kill himself?”

So as I sat there, contemplating these questions plus many more, I began to grow more anticipated as the movie came to its close. Then finally, my answer came. As if the movie had spoken to me personally, it answered all of my questions with a single response:

“F**K YOU.”

Yes, that is correct. This is what the movie was inadvertently telling me by revealing that Gosling’s character had in fact imagined the past 90 minutes of the entire movie. The reality of the whole film was that Gosling’s character had been in an accident, and that as he was dying he just imagined every previous scene in the movie. As the credits began to roll I simply sat there in amazement. My girlfriend asked me what I thought and I simply replied, “What a piece of crap. Who ever recommended that is a moron.”

Seriously. The entire ending of the movie omits any reason for the rest of the film to exist. It honestly felt like the writers had some cool plot idea but they couldn’t figure out a way to link it all together, so they just come up with a lame excuse to get end it all. It was a horrible ending, to what could have been an otherwise, decent film.

In order to convey how I felt after the ending, let me describe to you a conversation I had with the film inside of my mind:

Me: So, is this really the end? Don’t I get to find out why Gosling had super powers and visions? Don’t I get to see why McGregor really seemed to be connected to Gosling’s character, almost to the point that they were the same person?

Film: No, but you do get to see Naomi Watts in the shower for a brief second.

Me: But that doesn’t even count, you only show a shot from her neck up! Can you at least tell me what’s the point of telling a story for ninety minutes, and then saying that all of it was made up and thereby making it pointless to the viewer?

Film: Not really. But hey, at least their is some closure. Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts leave together after Gosling dies and go get a cup of coffee!

Me: That’s stupid. Their is no closure in that at all. Nothing is solved! The entire movie leads up to be a complete disappointment! Can I have my five bucks back!

Film: No, but at the very least you can write a stupid review about how bad it was on your blog!

Me: Hey, that’s a good idea!

Well, after about two or three years Nine Inch Nails finally released a new album, and to my enjoyment, it is pretty good. However, the best part has got to be the fact that it is free. Yep. That’s right. The entire album can be downloaded on NIN’s site for free. I read an article last week that talked about how Reznor was sick of the record companies price gouging fans, and said “as a reward for being a ‘true fan’ you get ripped off.” Reznor even went on to encourage his fans to continue downloading his music from online, “steal and steal and steal some more and give it to all your friends and keep on stealin’.” If you want to check this album out (which I highly suggest), NIN’s site is as follows: www.nin.com

As you are reading this you may begin to wonder that if the album is free, how can it possibly be good. Well I wonder the same thing, until I actually started listening to it. The truth is, “The Slip”, is probably NIN’s greatest album release since The Downward Spiral, and it is quite possibly one of their best top four album releases of all time. Seriously. That’s not something to scoff at.

The instrumentals in The Slip are really amazing. Reznor is known for having so many different sounds going on at once, that it really makes you feel like your ears are going to explode, and this album is no different. You really can’t get the full affect of this album unless you are listening to it with stereo headphones. The lyrics in The Slip are also up to NIN caliber, and as usual carry a strong message. Most of the album can be listened throughout with enjoyment, and the need to skip bad songs rarely arises when going through the album (something I particularly find to be a high point with any album).

Overall, The Slip is a really nice release from NIN, and an even more amazing deal because it’s free. Even if this album wasn’t up for download, I would suggest buying it. But since it’s free, their really isn’t any reason NIN fans should go without this release. Even if you aren’t the biggest Trent Reznor fan, but you are still in the mood for something different/ good instrumentals, I highly suggest going and downloading this album right now. At the very least you will be sticking it to the man, which is something we can all benefit doing from time to time.

Last week the new Indiana Jones finally debuted, and for the most part, most hardcore fans of the series were disappointed. I went and saw the movie yesterday, and as I suspected, was mildly let down with the film as a whole. Anyway, I might as well give a review on the movie. However, I just got done reading something about this film before I wrote this, and to tell you the truth it kind of has put me in a crappier mood than before. In fact, it kind of has changed my outlook on this movie as a whole. Eh. More on this later.

So, as you know by now a fourth Indy movie has been in the works for quite some time, and the truth is Lucas had always planned on doing another one assuming him, Ford, and Spielberg could agree on a script. Unfortunately for us the viewers, it took them about ten years to decide on one. However, that must mean that the it was a script truly worth waiting for right? Wrong. What we got instead was a script that truly has no place in an Indiana Jones movie, nor does it even belong in an Adventure/ Action genre, and an overall let down from a man who is continuing to betray his fans, George Lucas.

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skulls (CS for short) really suffers from a plot that really just doesn’t seem to fit. If you don’t know by now (and you don’t want to read any spoilers), I suggest you skip this paragraph, because I am going to be discussing a number of the plot elements. The main idea behind the film is the discovery of aliens. Yes, that’s right. Indy is more or less on a quest to find an alien lifeform that supposedly once existed on earth. Now, to be honest this idea really isn’t terrible, and it certainly could be doable, considering Indiana Jones was never know for it’s realism. However, what this movie does wrong is that for starters, it makes the viewers think that Indy is still on a quest for some ancient artifact and yet when in reality he is just searching for some extra terrestrial lifeform (this isn’t truly revealed till about 3/4 of the movie). And if that weren’t bad enough, Spielberg actually chooses to show us not only the alien, but an actual alien spacecraft as well. As a result of this, it just makes the movie go from “believable fantasy-adventure”, to “unrealistic sci-fi”. It really seems to leave a sour taste in your mouth.

Okay, now that we are done discussing the plot, we might as well talk about the rest of the writing and dialogue. The past Indy movies have always been known for it’s combination of humorous writing, with fast paced action. Ford’s portrayal of Indiana Jones is always a character of both sarcasm, and quick wit. I feel that this movie really lacks in these areas. Numerous times in CS it really feels that their are these awkward lulls, where a character (most notably Indy) should have some sort of come back, or one liner targeted at an opposing character, but instead of that all we get is silenced. I really don’t think this is Ford’s fault, and that the blame falls squarely on Lucas’ recent writing abilities.

The acting in CS is both good and mediocre at times. Ford gives a really great performance in my opinion, and really seems to flesh out an older, more mature Indiana Jones. His age never really seems to be a problem, and the characters (as well as the actors I assume) do not try to hide the fact, as many of them even make jokes about how old he seems to be. Shia Lebeauf gives a decent performance as “Mutt”, Indy’s sidekick throughout the film. However, on the opposite side is Karen Allen who gives a “Meh” performance at best. A lot of the times it seems her character was thrown in for no other reason than pure nostalgia. Finally, Cate Blanchett gives a mediocre performance at best, and turns out to be probably the lamest villain in Indiana Jones history (however it’s possible that isn’t entirely her fault, and once again can be blamed on the writing).

As far as the action goes, Crystal Skulls definitely has some high points. Ideally, the motorcycle chase and the warehouse fight are both great scenes. Unfortunately, a lot of the other high action scenes are really ruined (at least in my eyes), by the over use of CG animation. Something I find highly unacceptable, especially when Spielberg himself promises that the film would be shot oldschool, and with little to no use of CG.

Finally, perhaps the worst thing about the Crystal Skulls is the overabundance of either “near impossible” scenes, or scenes that are entirely pointless and really take away from the mood and setting of the movie. Some of these ridiculous scenes include the anti-communist monkeys, Shia Lebeouf as Tarzan, all of the good guys falling down three separate waterfalls, and finally the infamous “fridge” scene along with the completely CG animated gophers. All of these scenes really make the movie feel almost more like a parody, and it’s really hard to take the film serious.

Overall, the Crystal Skulls really suffers from poor writing, and in the end their is no one to blame other than Lucas himself. As we all watched bastardize the Star Wars prequels, so too has Lucas inevitably screwed up Indiana Jones. It seems he has truly betrayed his fans for a quick buck. And to be honest, it really makes me mad. Both Ford and Spielberg originally turned down a script that almost the same theme as Lucas’, but after time Lucas eventually managed to convince the two into doing more or less the same idea.

Now with that all aside, Crystal Skulls isn’t a bad movie by any means. It certainly has Indiana Jones elements to it (in fact the first 45 minutes of it are really pure Indiana Jones gold), and the bond/ relationship between Ford’s character and Lebeouf’s is something that really adds to the series overall. Along with that, it’s still great to see Ford dawn the whip and fedora once more. Unfortunately, as a result of crappy writing, pointless scenes, and stupid CG animation, The Crystal Skulls turns out to be the weakest link in the Indiana Jones series. Personally, let’s just hope they make a fifth movie so they can end the series on a higher note.

6.2/ 10

Just last Saturday I went to the movies to see a new flick. Reluctantly, I decided on checking out the new Chronicles of Narnia movie. To be honest, I wasn’t a big fan of the first. As usual, Disney had toned down a lot of the action/ adventure in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, and to be honest I figured they would do the same thing with Prince Caspian. To my surprise however, I was wrong.

For the most part, the first Narnia movie suffered from a number of issues. Number one, the acting was a bit unbearable at times. I think the movie really seem to suffer from it’s lack of experienced actors, and possibly even it’s “PG” rating. It’s really hard for me to take a movie serious that will absolutely go out of it’s way to show some one get killed, and that’s exactly what the first Narnia did.

Prince Caspian on the other hand, is a borderline PG-13 movie, that some how got away with it being PG (probably because most of the violence/ death is related to mystical beasts being killed, and not humans). While I am on this point, I might as well come out and say it, the battles in Prince Caspian are seriously awesome. The movie itself is two and a half hours long, but with the exception of the very beginning, it moves fast. Throughout the majority of the movie there are constant skirmishes, struggles, and all out battles. A couple of the fight scenes (one in particular) are extremely well coreographed, and considering the movies PG rating, are comparable to epic battles scene in movies like Brave Heart, and Lord of the Rings. Honestly, they really impressed me that much.

Another large improvement from the last movie has to be the acting. I was actually surprised at the number of emotionally powered scenes their were in this movie that really seemed to have my attention. Once again the visuals are top notch in Prince Caspian, as well as the landscapes. I don’t know if it’s the filming, or different location this time around, but Narnia definitely feels much more like a huge fantasy world than it did before.

Overall, Prince Caspian is definitely a film worth considering. If you are a fan of the Narnia series, then chances are you have already checked it out. If not, but you are still looking for something to hold you off till the new Indiana Jones movie, then I suggest checking this out. At the very least it’s worth a rental for the battles alone.

6.9/ 10

For the past week and a half or so my entire life has been consumed by a single force. I have been staying up late, and getting up early (ok, not really) all for the sake of this thing. Even when I’m not playing it, I am at least thinking about it, or playing it in my head. In case you don’t know what I am meaning, I am talking about the highly controversial game that just came out, Grand Theft Auto IV. GTA IV is a landmark in video gaming. It is a game that truly feels more like a cinematic experience at times. With a plot that rivals a big budget film, an environment that resembles an actual city, and controls that would make a Mario game jealous, GTA IV really delivers. But let’s take a more in-depth look on what this game has to offer, and see if it’s really worth the sixty bucks you’ll have to thrown down in order to enjoy it.

As you can see, graphically the game is a monster. I am still really amazed as to the incredible detail that is put into literally every inch of this game. I find myself occasionally zooming in on a car, or building in the middle of being chased by the police just to admire the particulars of everything around me. Things like dents in car bumpers, to cracks in the sidewalk, to numerous billboards stretched across Liberty City, everything really does look gorgeous. And it’s not even until you get to the game’s own version of New York City’s Time Square, does the game truly begin to overwhelm you with it’s graphical power.

Graphics aside, GTA IV is much more than just a pretty picture to look at it. Like all great art, GTA IV has depth (and boy, what an understatement that is). As far as the actual story mode goes, it is seriously huge. With over 90 playable missions, a cast of over a dozen voice acted (and let me say, very well acted) characters, more than a good hour of cinematics, the bare bones story mode will take players at the absolute least 30 hours to complete. Now throw in the countless side missions, openess and overall size of the city, and you have a game that will easily keep you occupied for many months to come. In GTA IV, Liberty City is absolutely huge. It spans three different islands, that are not only exceptionally large, but they are seriously crammed full with different buildings, sites and sceneries. I think it’s safe to say that Liberty City in GTA IV is easily the largest city in the GTA series.

As I mentioned early, the story in this game is top notch, Hollywood quality. Unlike a lot of the GTA games in the past where the stories were pretty simple (I.E. character gets out of jail, character gets betrayed, character goes after person that betrayed him), GTA IV offers a very compelling story, and some of the most interesting and in-depth characters I have ever seen before in a video game. The game tells the tale of Niko Bellic, a Middle European fresh off the boat, lured over to America by his cousin, Roman. Roman promises Niko wealth, fame, and pleasure, but when he arrives, he finds out that just the opposite is true. The game then focuses on Niko’s endeavors, along with his successes and failures. Never before have I really seen a character with such flaws fleshed out in a video game, such as GTA IV does. Along with this, GTA IV has a number of great supporting actors that are all superbly voice acted. Altogether it makes an awesome cinematic experience, that really draws the player in.

Aside from the single player experience, for the first time ever in a GTA game, IV offers full online multiplayer support for up to 16 people. The game types included range from simple “Deathmatch”
game types, to games where it’s cops against criminals, to “Free Mode”, a game mode that simply allows you and up to 15 of your friends to navigate the city freely. Multiplayer itself is truly a lot of fun. Just getting a bunch of friends over to terrorize Liberty City is a blast, but along with that it also makes a huge game even bigger.

The controls in GTA IV have been improved. One of the most noticeable things in IV is the driving. All of the cars in GTA IV handle a lot more realistically, which can be seen as a bad thing at first, but after awhile players will easily adjust to it. Probably the best improvement is the new aiming and cover system. The aiming system has been completely redone, and finally gives players a targeting system that is comparable to actual First and Third Person shooters. The cover system works much like Gears of War, in the respect that players can get behind pretty much every object in game to provide a wall between them and enemy fire. Both these aspects really add to the gameplay in GTA IV, and they are a much needed addition to the GTA franchise.

Needless to say however, I do have a few problems with GTA IV. One of them being the exclusion of the weapons that has made the series so popular. It seems in order to make the game more realistic, Rockstar decided to throw out some of the more “fun” weapons. Gone is the flamethrower, chainsaw, katana, and many others. Also, the military, as well as tanks have also been done away with.

Of course these are things that I can live without, and happily give up for an excellent game in return. Overally, GTA IV is a game that is seriously worth the sixty dollars I spent on it. I have put easily fifteen hours into the game, and I am not even close to being half way done with it. On top of that, multiplayer is an awesome addition, and will keep me distracted for months to come. It’s quite simple really. If you have played any of the past GTA games and even sort of liked them, buy GTA IV right now. If you haven’t played any of the past GTAs and you are looking for an all around great game, go ahead and get GTA IV. Seriously. It’s that good.

9.5/ 10