The Cynical Critic

Good God. So, last Saturday me and some friends went and saw The Happening. In case you didn’t know, The Happening is M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest film, and has been broadcast as being “his first R rated movie.” Anyway, if you don’t feel like reading anymore of this review, you might as well know now it’s a Tuesday and I happen to be reviewing it. So yes, it’s terrible. If you are wondering if you should see it, don’t. But if you are curious enough to see just how bad it is, continue reading on, if you dare.

About four months ago when no one knew what this movie was about I was pretty excited for its release. The last M. Night movie was definitely a let down, and so I assumed he was going to be trying harder this time around. What a joke that turned out to be. It seems almost like M. Night didn’t want you to know what the movie was about because if you did, their was a good chance you wouldn’t be watching it in theaters.

Anyway, let’s get on with it shall we. First things first. Let’s talk about the acting. If you’re wondering if it is as bad as you have heard, let me tell you: it is. Honestly, it’s some of the worst acting I have ever seen. And that is hard for me to say, because generally I think Marky Mark is a pretty decent B-list actor. But not in this. Not at all. You know the acting is horrible when there is a scene in the movie that involves people a few hundred yards away from you being shot in the head, and you’re only reaction to them blowing out their brains is a quiet: “Oh no.” Seriously.

Other horrendously acted scenes include
the old lady threatening that Marky Mark is going to kill her, and he replies, “What? No…!”, as well as Marky Mark conversing with a plastic plant. Honestly, the acting is terrible, and the dialogue is much worse, if that’s even possible.

I guess possibly the next worse thing about this movie has to be the plot and storyline. In case you aren’t aware yet, the entire movie is more or less about plants emitting toxins that cause people to kill themselves. Yep. The main villain in this movie are trees and bushes. Oh, and let’s not forget the wind. The wind apparently carries the toxin, so there is one especially hilarious scene where the wind picks up and the characters actually begin to try and outrun the scene. It’s absurd, ridiculous, and stupid, all the while it is making you feel like an idiot for even possibly considering this movie was meant to be taken seriously.

Aside from an absolutely retarded plot, the movie itself suffers from what can only be described as on film ADD. It jumps around from scene to scene, going out of its way just to reveal completely pointless scenes that have absolutely no bearing on the film at all. It really seems as if M Night just threw in a bunch of crap to make the movie 90 minutes long. Which is ironic, because about thirty minutes in I was checking my watch every 10 minutes, hoping the film was near it’s end. In fact it got so bad at one point that I was sure the movie was just about over, but to my chagrin, I was only 45 minutes into it. But back to my point about the scenes, not only are they entirely pointless, they completely destroy any mood or tension this film might have established at one point. It pretty much desensitizes the audience and makes the film feel more like a comedy or spoof film, than an actual thriller movie.

In fact, The Happening is so bad that it truly does feel like a comedy at times. It feels like a dumber version of Snakes on a Plane. Now me personally, if the movie was originally trying to go for that “cheap B movie” feel, then I would be perfectly fine with it, and I would enjoy it for what it is. But honestly, I don’t think that’s what M. Night was going for. He specifically tries to make a point in the film, and ultimately underestimates the audience’s IQ level and thereby rams his political messages down our throats until we are forced to understand what it is he is trying to say. As a result, it makes a movie that could have been just humorous film, and turns it into a wanna be serious, political backwash atrocity of a film.

In closing, The Happening is hands down the worse film I have ever seen in a theater. That’s saying a lot. That’s saying it’s worse than TMNT 3, Power Rangers: The Movie, Texas Chainsaw Beginnings, and the Poke’mon movie. So if you still aren’t convinced by now, do yourself a favor. Find it online some where, and watch the first couple of minutes. Chances are by then, you will have had enough, and will be glad you can spend your 8.50 on something else, like toilet paper, or socks.

I give this crap-fest a 8.0 on the Crap-O-Meter. I think this might just be a candidate for worst movie of the year…

Well, it’s a Tuesday so you know what that means. Yup, time for a Terrible Tuesday review. As usual I will sift through the garbage so you don’t have to. Last weekend some one recommended a movie to me and my girl friend, and since she wasn’t in the mood for high quality film (I had There Will Be Blood picked out), we decided to settle on the recommendation. But let me tell you how disappointed I was about this total crap fest of a movie titled “Stay”.

Okay, so let me say that at first I was at least interested in this film. Ryan Gosling stars in it, and needless to say he is quite the talented actor. Also starring is Ewan McGregor who has his moments from time to time, along with the attractive Naomi watts. Any way, the basic plot of the movie is that Ewan is a psychiatrist who meets a sociopath (Gosling) intent on killing himself on his 21st birthday at 7 o’clock. McGregor, is then intent on trying to save Gosling, and help him with whatever it is he is going through. Watts plays Ewan’s supportive (and some times unsupportive) wife. Along the way, Gosling’s character becomes more and more deep as he begins to show almost super natural powers, as he heals people, and begins to have visions of the future, thus adding to the suspense and overall heightened sense of expectation for the way the movie will end.

The movie tends to suffer from a severe case of what I like to call, “Indie Fever”. What I mean by that is that the movie tries so hard to be different from the average mainstream movie, it implores many different techniques of cinematography throughout the entire film. Now, ordinarily I love it when directors try to do different things when it comes to how the film is show, but this movie is just ridiculous. Take for example the movies Requiem For a Dream, or Momento, both of those movies have incredibly unique ways of showing the viewer what’s happening, without getting carried away. However, with the movie Stay, the director just doesn’t choose one style of filming and stay with it, he instead uses easily over 40 different camera techniques that really just start to give the viewer a headache. Things like filming entire scenes backwards by pointing the camera at a mirror which a character happens to be looking at, to having every scene some how transition into another really just starts to get irritating after awhile.

The acting in Stay is actually pretty good, and is most likely the best thing about the entire film. Honestly, I don’t really have too much to say about it for good or for bad.

I guess now is the time to talk about the worst part of this movie, and the biggest reason why this film is really a pile of poo. As I stated above earlier, the movie takes a number of suspenseful turns, and like most suspense/ thriller movies, presents the viewer with a number of questions that you expect to be answered by the end of the movie. Questions like, “How can Gosling’s character heal people?” and “How can he predict the future?”, and “Why is his name appearing on art work that Naomi Watts did?” and of course, “Why does he want to kill himself?”

So as I sat there, contemplating these questions plus many more, I began to grow more anticipated as the movie came to its close. Then finally, my answer came. As if the movie had spoken to me personally, it answered all of my questions with a single response:

“F**K YOU.”

Yes, that is correct. This is what the movie was inadvertently telling me by revealing that Gosling’s character had in fact imagined the past 90 minutes of the entire movie. The reality of the whole film was that Gosling’s character had been in an accident, and that as he was dying he just imagined every previous scene in the movie. As the credits began to roll I simply sat there in amazement. My girlfriend asked me what I thought and I simply replied, “What a piece of crap. Who ever recommended that is a moron.”

Seriously. The entire ending of the movie omits any reason for the rest of the film to exist. It honestly felt like the writers had some cool plot idea but they couldn’t figure out a way to link it all together, so they just come up with a lame excuse to get end it all. It was a horrible ending, to what could have been an otherwise, decent film.

In order to convey how I felt after the ending, let me describe to you a conversation I had with the film inside of my mind:

Me: So, is this really the end? Don’t I get to find out why Gosling had super powers and visions? Don’t I get to see why McGregor really seemed to be connected to Gosling’s character, almost to the point that they were the same person?

Film: No, but you do get to see Naomi Watts in the shower for a brief second.

Me: But that doesn’t even count, you only show a shot from her neck up! Can you at least tell me what’s the point of telling a story for ninety minutes, and then saying that all of it was made up and thereby making it pointless to the viewer?

Film: Not really. But hey, at least their is some closure. Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts leave together after Gosling dies and go get a cup of coffee!

Me: That’s stupid. Their is no closure in that at all. Nothing is solved! The entire movie leads up to be a complete disappointment! Can I have my five bucks back!

Film: No, but at the very least you can write a stupid review about how bad it was on your blog!

Me: Hey, that’s a good idea!

So some time last week one of my friends had been telling me about this movie he saw on cable. He told me that it looked like one of the worst movies he had ever seen. So naturally, it had become my duty to make sure I saw this film. The following review is an obvious film candidate for “Terrible Tuesday”, and unlike most reviews where I try to keep my final judgment to the end, their really is no way of getting around it with this movie. It sucks. Honestly. It’s horrible. No. It’s worse than horrible. It’s (and this is a word I rarely use) atrocious. It literally is a bane on the human race. So if that’s enough info for you, then I suggest you stop reading right now and save yourself the pain and misery I had to suffer. If you really don’t want your day ruined, just click on the little x at the top right hand of this window, and continue going on with the rest of your life.

However, if for some reason you are into cruel and unusual punishment, if by chance you really enjoy self mutilation, or if “S&M” is your thing (don’t worry though, thats not what this movie is about), then I guess you may want to continue reading. But don’t you dare say I never warned you.

Continuing on now for those of you that are truly brave, let me first tell you the title ad director of the movie before you decide to go any further. The movie was directed AND written by Jean Claude Van Damme. No, that’s not a typo. No, I haven’t lost my insanity (yet). This movie was literally written, directed, and acted out by Jean Claude Van Damme. He more or less did everything himself. Are you scared yet? Wait it gets better. Let me tell you the title of this film. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is:

THE QUEST

Yeah. Thats right. The name of the movie is The Quest. Seriously. This is quite possibly the most generic movie title ever conceived. Honestly, they could have just named the movie “fighting guy” and it probably would have been better. Or better yet, they could have just called it “MOVIE”. At least that way it would most likely get overlooked. So then, how are you doing? Are you still hanging in there? I’m guessing right about now that escape button on your keyboard is looking real nice. But if you do decide to stick it out, let’s continue. Here, let’s take a look at the movie poster for this film.

Wow. Yeah. I’m more or less speechless right now.

It says Go the Distance. Ok, I’m gonna go the distance. The distance to the rental store to take this piece of crap back.

So then, since you have allowed your eyes to see this horrible image, we might as well continue with the rest of this movie. The film starts out in a bar. An aged man orders a drink and sits down. Soon after a couple of extremely cliche’d “hoodlum” type guys walk in. They are classically dressed in both black leather and chains, and as if that wasn’t enough the leader guy is armed with a switchblade. Oh goody. Anyway, the three guys threaten the bartender, but are then stopped by the old guy, who is revealed to be Van Damme. The bartender asks where he learned to fight like that but Van Damme doesn’t answer. Cue the title screen. Yay.

The movie jumps back to 1925 (WTF), and shows a Van Damme who is a pickpocket and steals money to give to his “kids”. He is chased by the police while running through town on a pair of stilts, and eventually he stows away on a ship with some pirates. The pirates find him, but he is rescue by Roger Moore (the guy who played James Bond) and is then stranded on an island and force to learn Muay Thai. And just for clarification, I didn’t make any of that up. That is literally the actual first 45 minutes of the film.
Around this time what can only be described as a flashback occurs. At least I think it’s a flashback. It’s a completely different scene than from what was happening before. The scene depicts a boy and his mother sitting on a park. The boy picks up a piece of paper, and then the scene is over. It lasts about fifteen seconds.

After this, Van Damme escapes the island and meets Peter Moore again. Van Damme is obviously pissed, but Peter Moore tells him about this fighting tournament where the grand prize is a “Golden dragon, made out of gold.” Yes. That is an actual line from the movie. A Golden dragon made out of… gold. So Van Damme agrees, and they head off for the tournament. What follows is a good ten minutes of people riding on elephants, donkeys, horses, people walking up hill, people walking down hill, people crossing streams, and people walking through forests. Needless to say, one could leave, make a hot pocket, eat it, come back and they still wouldn’t had missed anything.

Eventually they get to the tournament and it is full of cliche’d fighters. Their is a guy from Germany who looks remarkably just like a Nazi even though Nazis didn’t exist yet. Their is a fat guy, who presumably plays the role of the sumo wrestler. Their is a Jamaican guy who break dance fights. Yeah. Then their is a little Chinese guy who fights like a monkey. Cool. Finally, their is a Scottish guy who fights in a kilt, and the main bad guy, some huge dude from Mongolia. As you can see, the cast is quite diverse.

Anyway, to make this as painless as possible, Van Damme fights a bunch of these guys, and ends up winning. He then takes on the Mongolian guy who as literally crushed everyone in his way. He loses pretty bad at first, but then for no real reason comes back and wins. At first I didn’t really realize this was the last fight, because the movie must have decided that it wasn’t a good idea to lead up to it at all. After the fight was over the next scene was another flashback of the little boy and his mother. This time the boy crumples up a piece of paper and the scene ends. The movie then goes straight to the credits.

Ok, so basically at this point I am just sitting their with this look on my face as if to say “WTF.” During the time of the flashback scene I was expecting something to happen. But then it was over. So then I thought, “Oh, I bet they are gonna explain it’s relevance to the story that just happened.” Instead, immediately after that scene the credits begin to roll. I just sat there, confused and puzzled. Until finally it dawned upon me:

The flashback scenes have absolutely no purpose to them whatsoever. They are entirely, pointless.

Aside from that their isn’t a whole lot about the movie to be said. As you may have read the plot is basically horrendous. I guess I should mention that this movie has the distinction of having quite possibly the worst soundtrack I have ever heard. At certain points in the movie I felt like shoving dull butter knives into both my ears. It really is that bad.

I give this film a 7.5 on the crap-o-meter. If you are really looking for a terrible film, this may suit your wants. Finally, if you really don’t believe anything I just said, take a look at this movies trailer. If you don’t at least chuckle at just how bad it is, then congratulations, because you sir are either dead or a robot.

Well. Here we are. It’s a Tuesday, and apparently it’s time for a blog entry. However, today is a bit different than normal. Since it is a Tuesday, that can only mean one thing: a crappy review. Yes, that’s right. Tuesdays, will now be known rather as “Terrible Tuesdays” in which I choose a movie/ game/ album at random, that for the most part is either overrated, over hyped, or just lain bad, and rip it to shreds for your enjoyment.

So then, now that we have the little introduction out of the way, what is to be the first movie to be reviewed on this less than perfect day? Hmm… Ah…. I know….

Eventually May rolled around and for the most part, the reviews were pretty shocking. Nearly every movie critic worth a thing all reviewed Troy pretty poorly. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it also flopped pretty bad on it’s opening weekend, scoring less than 50 million (as opposed to it’s ridiculous 180 million production total). For the most part all of the hype seemed to be utter crap, and as for myself I had lost much of the interest I originally had in it. As a result, I simply waited for it to come out on DVD. In hindsight, I am definitely glad I waited.

Finally, Troy was released on DVD at which point I went out and rented it. At first it didn’t really seem that bad. Sure, Troy seems like it doesn’t follow Homer’s stories at all. Sure, Orlando Bloom’s character was obnoxiously horrible. Sure, his acting is quite possibly horrendous, but at least I get to see Brad Pitt kill some guys. That’s cool right? … Right?
Oh God, I had no idea what was still to come.

So then about a fourth way into the movie (after Achilles takes the beach, and Agmamenon’s forces have arrived) I begin noticing something. Every time Brad Pitt says something, it kinda makes me mad. In fact, I kind of begin to notice that with Bloom’s character too. As I sit there and listen to Brad Pitt go on about how he’s not really on anyone’s side, and yet he clearly fights for one of the sides, I begin to realize why I hate it when he talks.

Brad Pitt is literally portraying Achilles as a royal a** hole. Seriously. Just looking at some of his quotes are making me mad right now.

“I want what all men want, I just want it more. You don’t need to fear me girl, you’re the only Trojan who can say that.”
“You won’t have eyes tonight. You won’t have ears or a tongue. you will wander the underworld blind, deaf and dumb and all the dead will know; This is Hector: the fool who thought he killed Achilles.”
“Before my time is done I will look down on your corpse and smile.”

Now don’t get me wrong. I understand a good character is suppose to invoke emotions in it’s readers/ viewers, but these are entirely the WRONG emotions being invoked for some one who is identified as being the main character. Not only do I hate Achilles at this point, I very much want to see him get whats coming to him. So thereby instead of rooting for main character at this point, I am doing the very opposite. I feel this is a prime example of bad writing, or at least bad directing. That being said, I think it’s fine to have Pitt play Achilles in the way that he did, however do NOT make him the main focus in the movie.

Another pretty big gripe I had with this movie was Bloom’s character. Now, I’d like to think he portrayed Paris fairly accurate, but it’s simply the fact that his acting is found to be quite lacking. I found that most of the characters were pretty cliche’d by the end of the movie, but Paris exceeded all of the other character exponentially. Some of his lines are downright laughable, especially the ones when he is talking to Helen, “I’ll hunt deer and rabbit, we can live off the land!”. Simply pathetic.

Other problems I saw with this movie were the camera shots and angles. It should be pretty much understood by now that when you have a movie with MASSIVE landscapes, and MASSIVE armies using long swooping shots to let the viewer get the full picture are a must. Too bad Troy doesn’t really do this at all. Instead, we the viewer never really get the big picture, and as a result everything feels scale down.

An element in this movie that severely pisses me off, is the unnecessary addition of the relationship between Achilles and Briseis. I really hate the fact that Achilles throughout the entire filmed is portrayed as cold merciless killer, but then by chance he meets Briseis, and suddenly she seems to change him over night. This entire addition is almost laughable, and really gives the movie a “cheesy Hollywood” feel. It almost seems like in order to appeal to a wider crowd, the relationship between Briseis and Achilles was added. This accounts for just one of the many, cliche’d and “Hollywood-ized” aspects of this film.

In the end I was happy Troy was over, and as a result felt that I had wasted two hours of my life.

Overall, Troy isn’t a terrible movie, but it certainly fails to deliver. That being said, for something that promised so much, and could have truly blown everyone away, we were instead left with a generic, cheesy, overall shallow movie, that really leaves you feeling empty and kinda mad.

I give Troy a 6 on the Crap-0-Meter (the higher the number, the worse the film is).