Don’t get any wrong ideas after reading this. Everything is okay, I was just having some deep thoughts…just not so much Jack Handey style.
I hear/see stories about kids who have passed away, and it makes me think about my childhood, growing up with this illness. Did I ever have thoughts that I was going to die when I was younger? No, because I don’t think the reality of it all really sank in. I think back now…everytime I passed out or had a seizure…there was nothing going on. I was flatlined. Out. Bye bye. But each time, I came back around. To me, that is more than enough proof that I am still here for a reason and that there is more in store for me.
I do remember what it was like laying in the hospital. And looking back, I mean…it seemed normal for me at the time? As weird as that might sound. I remember dad would usually stay the night and help me try to get to sleep because I never could really sleep in there, still can’t. I remember getting cards from my classmates and having them brought in by the school counselor. I remember my grandparents flying from Michigan to Florida (where I lived at the time) as soon as my parents called them and told them I would have to get a pacemaker. I remember my grandma having to homeschool me to help me finish all the homework my teachers had given me to do.
I remember being forced by my doctor to get up and walk around so I could get better and go home BUT I was having allergic reactions to the medication so everytime I would go and walk around, I would throw up and get sick. I remember crying as he had my arm and was walking me around. I remember throwing up on the brand new shirt I had gotten.
I remember having to share a room with at least 5 sick babies and crying because they were crying and I couldn’t sleep.
I remember the tilt tables I had to get and how awful they are and how many times it made me pass out more which made my heart stop more. I remember being scared of going to school or going out aywhere with my family because I didn’t want to get sick in front of people. I remember taking so much medication that I can’t even remmeber which ones I have been on and having to deal with all the side effects. I remember thinking about suicide at age 8! I wish I could have someone to talk to. I know I have my friends and family, but, and it sucks to say this, they just don’t get it.
I don’t really remember what it was like before I had a pacemaker.