Don’t get any wrong ideas after reading this. Everything is okay, I was just having some deep thoughts…just not so much Jack Handey style.
I hear/see stories about kids who have passed away, and it makes me think about my childhood, growing up with this illness. Did I ever have thoughts that I was going to die when I was younger? No, because I don’t think the reality of it all really sank in. I think back now…everytime I passed out or had a seizure…there was nothing going on. I was flatlined. Out. Bye bye. But each time, I came back around. To me, that is more than enough proof that I am still here for a reason and that there is more in store for me.
I do remember what it was like laying in the hospital. And looking back, I mean…it seemed normal for me at the time? As weird as that might sound. I remember dad would usually stay the night and help me try to get to sleep because I never could really sleep in there, still can’t. I remember getting cards from my classmates and having them brought in by the school counselor. I remember my grandparents flying from Michigan to Florida (where I lived at the time) as soon as my parents called them and told them I would have to get a pacemaker. I remember my grandma having to homeschool me to help me finish all the homework my teachers had given me to do.
I remember being forced by my doctor to get up and walk around so I could get better and go home BUT I was having allergic reactions to the medication so everytime I would go and walk around, I would throw up and get sick. I remember crying as he had my arm and was walking me around. I remember throwing up on the brand new shirt I had gotten.
I remember having to share a room with at least 5 sick babies and crying because they were crying and I couldn’t sleep.
I remember the tilt tables I had to get and how awful they are and how many times it made me pass out more which made my heart stop more. I remember being scared of going to school or going out aywhere with my family because I didn’t want to get sick in front of people. I remember taking so much medication that I can’t even remmeber which ones I have been on and having to deal with all the side effects. I remember thinking about suicide at age 8! I wish I could have someone to talk to. I know I have my friends and family, but, and it sucks to say this, they just don’t get it.
I don’t really remember what it was like before I had a pacemaker.
As scared as you were, Jess, the rest of us were worried sick. I can remember my parents talking about it all of the time. They would talk to your family and update us on you. When my mom had you in her class she was always watching you to make sure you always looked alright and would come home and say you had a good day, etc…you are a miracle and I believe you are here for a reason, too!! I had open heart surgery at 4 mo and then again at age 4 yrs and I am here, too…I know I am here because of my boys – what is in store for you babe? You are so young still and have such amazing things ahead of you – I am so glad we all get the chance to find out! So – stay charged up about it all!! XOXOX