Definitely Not L.A.

12:06 am It’d be even funnier if these ”Three Amigos” did the other Three Amigos bit, but they won’t either.  Darn it. 

12:01 am Closed captioning during Reese Witherspoon walk-out: “band playing peppy johnny cash song” 

11:55 pm Helen Mirren wins for The Queen, DNLA HQ receives instant message: “wow, she has a nice rack.” 

11:40 pm Pat on the back to Michael Mann for the James Brown clip.

11:28 pm 60% shot at another Bill Condon thank you…and…argh.  Etheridge! 

11:27 pm Urging “patience” seems appropriate as the show nears the 3-hour mark with all of the big awards yet to be forked over.   

11:16 pm  Regular readers know DNLA is all about the interpretive dance, but: oy.

11:06 pm “And the Volver-ine himself, Hugh Jackman…”  Oof, even I wouldn’t go there.

11:02 pm I think Clint’s BS-ing us with his “translation,” you know. 

10:59 pm When did Quincy Jones become Emperor of China?  (Guest post by an MMM, thx.) 

10:55 pm Wow, Ennio Morricone did the score for Orca.  But: Celine Dion qualifies as an Honorary Double Bill Condon Thank You! 

10:48 pm Boy, there’s a shocker.  Inconvenient Truth wins.  Will they play Gore off?  Nope! 

10:46 pm Jerry Seinfeld complaining about concession stand pricing is a hair cheeky. 

10:36 pm Woohoo!  Another Bill Condon thank you!  Glad she slipped that in before they played her off.  I’ll be at the tiki bar.  Back in a bit.

10:34 pm Whatever it took, I’d sign Clooney to host this puppy next year. 

10:23 pm Class Couple ‘07: Catherine Deneuve & Ken Watanabe. 

10:18 pm Almost 2 hours in and they’ve given out a whole one of the awards most civilians give a rip about.  I’m thinking ratings bonanza.  But that Ellen sure is nice.   

10:14 pm Triumph of the Guillermos!   

10:12 pm Sorry, Gwynnie, but there is nothing good that comes after the phrase “thanks to cell phones…” 

10:08 pm Sherry Lansing = taller than Tom Cruise.

10:03 pm Whew, another near-miss for another Bill Condon thank you as Marie Antoinette nabs the costume award.  Getting a little thirsty, though… 

9:58 pm The iPhone commercial?  Hello?  Fun!  Hello? 

9:52 pm All the Peter O’Toole love makes you wonder if he’s going to upset Forest Whitaker.   

9:49 pm How long did it take to find the 90 seconds of Borat that could be shown without bleeping? 

9:44 pm Wow, Happy Feet stomps Cars.  Whiffing on the predictions. 

9:42 pm I’ll have you know I’m ignoring a new episode of “Hogan Knows Best” to do this. 

9:38 pm Man, that Shecky Gore slays me. 

9:32 pm The “nice” James Taylor/Randy Newman and Melissa Etheridge Best Song perfs reminds me how much fun (and surreal) it would/could have been had a Paul Westerberg tune from Open Season made the cut.  If they’d let him perform it, natch.  This Melissa Etheridge song makes me want to go buy a gas-guzzler. 

9:24 pm My liver thanks the Academy for selecting Alan Arkin.  Blew the pick, though.  Sorry, Cyn. 

9:21 pm 51 minutes in, it’s the first biggie, supporting actor.  Gee, if Murphy wins and he thanks his director… 

9:19 pm It’s our first Bill Condon thank you!   

9:16 pm Second winner is always gonna get played off–you’d think the nominees would learn. 

9:12 pm If this sound effects choir is legit it may be the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.  Heard.  How do I audition? 

9:11 pm Ellen has a real “Match Game” comic sensibility.

9:04 pm Interesting “behind the scenes” approach to the Letters from Iwo Jima nom clip–wonder if they’ll do the same for the other four or show individual scenes.

8:57 pm Will Ferrell must be getting ready to take that Johnnie Whittaker part in the big-budget Sigmund & the Sea Monsters flick. 

8:56 pm Jack Black’s one note is getting old but the song’s a riot.   Nice move getting John C. Reilly in on it. 

8:51 pm You know, that Degeneres girl seems nice.  (Guest post by my Aunt Priscilla.) 

8:45 pm Good move for event with sagging ratings: start with Art Direction award. 

8:42 pm First Gore shout-out’s reaction disproves “Hollywood liberal elite” theory. 

8:36 pm  Ellen’s outfit: from the Pat Boone collection. 

8:33 pm Best opening ever, the Errol Morris nominee montage.  Does this mean no Ellen, I hope, I hope?

8:29 pm It’s been suggested to me that I take a drink every time Bill Condon is thanked from the stage.   (Of organic cranberry juice, of course.)

8:24 pm Dang, they didn’t. 

8:23 pm It’d be really funny if the “Three Amigos” did that cough and hip thrust and spit move Chevy and Steve did in Three Amigos.

8:20 pm 10 minutes to go.  3 time zones away in a windowless room in the bowels of the Kodak Theater, Ellen is killing a hobo to get it out of her system. 

8:14 pm Cameron Diaz interview inspires skill-testing question–do actors or athletes jumble together more meaningless cliches during interviews?   

8:05 pm Hey, I thought the “It’s the Un-cola” dude died.  Oops, it’s Andre Leon Talley.

8:00 pm Penguins…why did it have to be penguins? 

7:57 pm Time for “Seacrest out!” ABC, here we come…see you there. 

7:50 pm Meryl Streep sporting Chingy-level bling. 

7:48 pm Ricky Gervais for Oscar host?  Please?   

7:45 pm Uh oh, FX is shrewdly counterprogramming with White Girls.

7:36 pm Did Seacrest just get bleeped?   

7:24 pm As Spike Lee rocks a beret, it dawns on me there’s a 30-min preshow on ABC before the actual ceremony begins.  I am happier about the former than the latter. 

7:20 pm This portion of tonight’s liveblog is brought to you by Dos Equis. 

7:13 pm Nominee and Serious Actor Djimon Hounsou reminded of video himbo past, complete with clips. 

7:07 pm Abigail Breslin HP commercial makes me go aww. Really.  I did.  “Aww.”   

6:59 pm John Travolta compliments Forest Whitaker and says they’ve worked together twice without speaking the words “Battlefield Earth.” 

6:58 pm After asking her if she’s staying for the whole show (?) Seacrest gives a shout-out to Jessica Biel’s dog Tina.

6:56 pm Seacrest says ”lots of Wang.”  Context is everything. 

6:54 pm Seacrest expertly rolls the R in Volver. 

6:51 pm Marc Anthony prefers film award events to music award events.  I’m not sure I ever needed to know that, but now I do. 

6:45 pm Even Mr. Multitasker cannot take a phone call and liveblog.  Did I miss anything? 

6:34 pm A televert inspires me to create a hard-shelled chocolate candy in my image.

6:28 pm Seacrest questions director John Singleton’s presence on the red carpet.  Singleton gives “big ups to Marty,” though.  (Scorsese.) 

6:23 pm Gore must be serious about not running: he just hit the red carpet with Don Magic Juan in his posse.   

6:18 pm Must be a second fiddle, Lando-comes-before-Han early arrival rule–first was the lead who wasn’t Forest Whitaker in LKOS and now it’s the lead who wasn’t Helen Mirren in The Queen. 

6:14 pm Do matadors use Oil of Olay?  That never, ever gets old. 

6:10 pm Does the Evening News have a “style guru”?  E! does.  And he’s got a Madden-esque telestrator and he’s not afraid to use it.  (I’m wearing Hanes and Joe Boxer tonight, btw.)

6:08 pm E! is airing fan text messages in a crawl: “Djimon, I can’t say your name but I love you! Heather from TX.”   

6:03 pm Seacrest declares he has “to fight the bush.”  Context is everything.

6:00 pm  Seacrest…why did it have to be Seacrest? 

5:54 pm A trio of whatever the people on E! are called come through with the first awful Borat impersonations of the evening.  Not what one wants to hear when one has committed to sitting through 2 hours of E! red carpet coverage.