Definitely Not L.A.

Here’s a little ditty for you from McSweeney’s contributor Dan Kennedy’s forthcoming book Rock On: An Office Power Ballad.  (Due out Feb 2008.  I’m a little early here, but I’m certain you’ll remember this when the book’s released to universal acclaim.) 

It’s Kennedy’s very, very funny take on his stint in the record business and the characters who populate it as he, it and they try to remain relevant in a morphing marketplace.  (I’d call it the kind of book a couple of my colleagues should be afraid I’m going to write about my job, but I hate to Make It All About Me.  Really.)

There’s something to quote on damned near every page, but I’ll share this, inspired by Kennedy’s work with the Donnas on anti-gun PSAs.

FREE LYRICS FOR ANY ALL-GIRL ROCK BAND TRYING TO WIN OVER THE MIDDLE-AGED WHITE SUBURBAN MALE DEMOGRAPHIC

I think that’s muscle, not fat.

I think your hair’s still rad.

You and your friends still seem like rockers.

It turns me on, the way you tuck your short-sleeve Polo

into your pleated khaki Dockers.

Hey baby, did you hear?

Big changes in the tax laws this year.

You can write off almost all of your travel

Doesn’t matter if it’s business or personal.

What? [Sexy moan] Oh, yeah!

[Chorus]

Hello Sir, we wanna do it to you after the show.

Hello, mister, we could do it and your wife would never know.

We wanna have two Amstel Lights

and party till eleven on a Tuesday night, yeah!

I think your four-door rocks.

I love those sandals with those socks.

I swear to God you turn me on.

It gets me hot when you brag about

Underreporting your gross annual income.

[solo, repeat chorus, to END]

Preorder here and never regret it.

Gotta love a catfight between two thin-skinned guitar geniuses.  From a White Stripes interview in the latest issue of Q:

Q: You risk self-parody, though.  When Noel Gallagher saw your mariachi look around Get Behind Me Satan, he said you looked like “Zorro on doughnuts.”

Jack White: [Tersely] Does anyone listen to what Oasis have to say?  Maybe they do [in the UK].  They don’t in America.

Sorry, Jack, but that’s Noel’s best line since “Champagne Supernova.”

Sad news from New York:

PRNewswire — It is with deep sadness and regret that we inform you of the death of Hilly Kristal, who died on Tuesday, August 28, 2007 from complications from Lung Cancer.

Kristal, 75, founded the legendary rock club CBGB and ran the club for 33 years. A singer and songwriter himself, Kristal opened the club to showcase “Country Bluegrass and Blues”; instead the club became a breeding ground for Punk rock. Among the many acts that called CBGB home were Blondie, the Talking Heads, Television, Living Colour, Patti Smith and the Ramones. The club closed in October 2006. 

A private memorial service is planned. A public memorial will be held at a later date. Contributions in Hilly’s honor may be made in his name to the American Cancer Society or to the Hilly Kristal Foundation for Musicians and Artists (168 Second Avenue, PMB 207, New York, NY 10003).

Sorry, they’re smarting from being slapped so often while I read this about the hijinks going on at that KA-RAY-ZAY White House. 

White House pranksters wrapped Karl Rove’s Jaguar in plastic wrap on the private driveway next to the West Wing. Rove’s car is easily recognizable because of its “I love Barack Obama” bumper sticker and the twin stuffed-animal eagles on the trunk. Oh, and there’s a stuffed-animal elephant on the hood.  Rove, the top White House political strategist who recently announced his resignation, left his car on the driveway while traveling with President Bush.

P.S. Bob’s in concert w/Elvis Costello and Amos Lee Oct 12, EMU Convocation Center in Ypsi. Ticket presale at Bob’s site Sep 4.

Oddly enough, Walken is creepier without the greasepaint: Celebrities as scary clowns!

Two things come to mind reading this Yahoo piece:

STOCKHOLM, Sweden – Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has demanded an apology from Swedish newspapers for their scathing reviews of the group’s performance in the country earlier this month.  Tabloids Expressen and Aftonbladet gave thumbs down to the Aug. 3 concert at Ullevi stadium in Goteborg, with Expressen suggesting Richards was “superdrunk” on stage.  “This is a first!” the 63-year-old rock star wrote in a letter published by Stockholm daily Dagens Nyheter. “Never before have I risen to the bait of a bad review.  But this time … I have to stand up … for our fans all over Sweden … to say that you owe them, and us, an apology.”

a) What kind of fool would risk the wrath of Keef?

b) What kind of otherworldly intoxicant would it take to get Keef “superdrunk” at this point, anyway?  Romulan ale? 

Happy 55th (!) birthday to Paul “Pee-Wee Herman” Reubens.